Introduction
Nothing gets your heart racing like the nervous anticipation that comes with going out on a first date with a guy. Whether it’s a blind date or someone you already know, the first encounter with a dating prospect brings with it a host of emotions, most commonly a mixture of excitement and nervousness. As the turning point approaches, thoughts may turn to questions like, “Will he like me?” “Will I like it?” “Is he going to be the Chosen One?” “What if I mess things up and make a fool of myself?” “What am I going to talk about? What if I run out of things to say?”
Everyone’s experience is different, but the one common denominator that most daters would testify to is that it can be difficult to navigate the waters of man-to-man dating. Although it is changing, gay men have few role models to emulate when it comes to love and romance. There is no template to follow and we were never taught how to flirt and date other men. There are no rules, no structure, no guide. How do two men come together in the “courtship dance”? While the lack of rules for gay dating can be a positive thing, as it lends itself to greater creativity, spontaneity, and individuality, it can also create anxiety and a sense of “cluelessness” about how to successfully meet and date, something as well as a car. driverless
This article will offer you some tips on how to approach your first date with that lucky guy you chose to meet in that date’s occurrence sequence. While these are by no means “rules,” these ideas can offer a means of grounding yourself and getting the most out of the experience without sabotaging it before it gets off the ground. Pick and choose the ones that feel right for you and create your own principles as a means of being a healthy person who lives with integrity and follows your own values.
before the date
When setting up a time and place for your appointment, make sure it’s a short meeting (1-2 hours) for the first time and select a place that is activity-oriented or allows plenty of opportunity to talk. Skip the movies and opt for a short meeting at a coffee shop or the zoo. Keeping it short takes a lot of pressure off, especially if you find out the two of you aren’t compatible, and allows for a healthy rhythm in your relationship. You can always extend the date if you get along really well.
Take the emphasis off of it being a date and instead see it as an opportunity to meet a potential new friend. This can help “take control” and allow you to relax without focusing on the outcome of the date. Avoid putting too much hope and expectation into the match; let it evolve naturally and if a spark ignites during your time together, then that’s an added bonus!
If you’re particularly nervous, take some time to do some relaxation exercises (deep breathing, visualization, etc.) to help calm down and focus. If you’re worried about what to talk about, come up with a list of possible ideas beforehand and role-play with a friend to build trust. But don’t rely on this too much or you’ll come across as stiff and rehearsed. Be cool and be yourself. This is not about performance.
Dress comfortably and in clothes that make you feel good about yourself. Make sure you and your date are on the same page about the style of dress for your date. On my own dating days, I showed up for a second date in a nice oxford shirt and jeans only to find my other half dressed to the nines in a French suit unaware of her intentions for the night. It was a very embarrassing moment and he canceled the reservations he had made for us to dine at a fancy fine dining establishment. Then he changed into more casual clothes and took me to a family restaurant. Oh! Her image of me instantly changed and she stopped seeing me after that. She did both of us a favor by ending things, but at the time it was pretty humiliating. So be clear to avoid any miscommunication.
during the date
· Be punctual and relaxed. No matter how attracted you are to the man sitting across from you, it’s your responsibility to be yourself: avoid trying to put on a front and be someone you’re not in order to try and impress your date. You are great just the way you are. Let him know your true self; otherwise, you are engaging in a form of deception that will only come back to bite you later. Be authentic and you will eventually be rewarded with a truly compatible partner.
· Watch for your appointment. Show respect by maintaining good eye contact and don’t let those eyes wander if there are other attractive men in the room. Keep an open stance and let your nonverbal communication and body language convey an interest in learning about your date. Stay out of your own head and turn off those distracting thoughts; really listen to what he is saying. Balance active listening with sharing about yourself. Ask open-ended questions to get more detail on the points made in your discussion to expand the conversations and learn more about your date. This is especially effective if you’re feeling shy or short on things to say because it gets the other person talking more, allowing for more tidbits to start other dialogues about. Be positive and let your sense of humor shine through.
Avoid controversial topics of discussion as they can be offensive to your date. You can make these easier the more you know about it. Avoid alcohol as this can alter your behavior and stay away from sexual innuendos and content. Unless sex is the motivation for your date, introducing sexual talk on your first date can set the tone in the wrong direction. Conversations about sex and sexual preferences can come up later, once you’ve been able to make a more genuine and mature connection. Questions like “Are you active or passive?” may seem rude on a first meeting and may cause an unfavorable impression of you to form in your date’s mind and image of you.
after date
·Whether your date was a big hit or a disaster, use good manners and thank your new acquaintance for the date. If you want to see him again, let him know and call him in a day or so to ask him out again. Don’t get sucked into the whole dating game of “How many days should I wait to call him to avoid seeming desperate?” or “I’m going to let him call me.” If you like it, take charge of your life and make that call. If you didn’t feel a “loving connection” with the guy, thank him for the date and gently and tactfully tell him you’re not a couple. While this can be extremely difficult, it’s always best to be honest and direct in a kind and polite manner. If you want to try to develop a friendship, suggest it. But be honest and direct and don’t tell him you’ll call him again if you really don’t mean to. That’s cruel.
Do a debrief after your date and reflect on your behavior as well as your date’s, and perhaps journal about the experience. How did you feel? How did you handle yourself during the date? What would you have changed? What went well? What did you learn about yourself as a result of this appointment? How would you miss the date and the boy you met? From what you can tell so far, is there a compatibility with your personal requirements and vision of a life partner? Is he thus far matching his needs, wants, goals, and values?
conclusion
Dating can be an overwhelming and stressful task, particularly with the lack of dating education available to us as gay men. What dating traditions and roles that our heterosexual counterparts have are applicable to us, if any? What are we supposed to do?
The key is to have fun dating and take a light approach. In my opinion, dating is as much an art as it is a science, as it combines common sense decision making with self-awareness of what one wants and needs for a happy and fulfilling lifestyle. When your dating behavior is aligned with your values and vision for a relationship, you’ll live with integrity and be able to approach all your dates with a more relaxed tone and confident demeanor. It will make the process much easier and more rewarding. Cheers to your dating success!
©2005 Brian L. Rzepczynski
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Certified Personal Life Coach Brian Rzepczynski is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a roadmap to find and build a lasting partnership with the right man.” To sign up for Gay Love Coach’s FREE newsletter, full of dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to view current coaching groups, shows and teleclasses, visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.
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