“You are not my dad.” How do you respond after dedicating yourself emotionally, physically and financially to raising a child that is not yours? Have any of you experienced this? Surprisingly, I never heard this from my two stepsons, but to be safe I felt that there were times when their body language and behavior communicated the same message.
When my wife and I got married, their two children were 10 and 14 years old. My wife and her ex had joint custody of the children. I imagine hearing this from your stepson is the equivalent of spitting in your face when he is frustrated or angry with you. If it is a small child or a young person, I will give them the benefit of the doubt and will not take it personally because they do not fully understand what they have said and how much it may hurt.
But if they are teenagers, they must be held accountable for their actions. Her intentions to challenge his authority and hurt him is obvious and represents a clear violation of stepparent boundaries that must be addressed. In these circumstances, my answer would be: “Yes, I know I am not your dad. I am not trying to replace him, but you live in my house. If you want to continue living in my house, you” are going to need to respect and obey me. So what is it going to be? “Also, I would say this with my wife present, so the children know that we are on the same page on this.
Here are some other answers:
I heard, “You’re not my dad” from my stepdaughter. I tried it once in the beginning with my stepdad. The answer he gave me and the one I used with my own stepdaughter: “You’re right, I’m not your dad. I’m not trying to replace them. I love you and I’m looking out for your best interests.” , so you must do what I tell you. “
I made it clear from the start: “No, I’m not your father, I have no biological obligation to accept your shit!” But under no circumstances would I let that go without addressing it. When they say it, it is designed to be a challenge to your authority at home, not just something to hurt your feelings. The point is, since you’re not their biological father, they don’t really have to listen. The day any child in my house, regardless of age or parentage, decides to tell me, they don’t have to listen, for ANY reason, they are going to have a rude awakening. On top of that, I think if your wife / husband hears this and doesn’t put their son or daughter under control, then you have bigger problems.
Some additional considerations:
Coherence between households. If your stepchildren are members of two households, to the extent possible, make sure you and your wife are on the same page as your stepchildren’s biological father in terms of discipline. This helps avoid “My daddy leaves me …” or “My mommy leaves me …” when they are at the other parent’s house. Communicate bed times, homework schedules, consequences, and concerns about what we will and will not allow so that the rules remain relatively uniform from house to house.
United front with wife. Very important: your wife and you must remain united in the matters that are in front of the children. This will be challenging for most mothers, especially if they were single mothers for a significant period of time before remarrying. This will be challenging for them because they are used to making and enforcing rules.
Because they are so used to setting the rules, it will probably be difficult for them to step back and allow you to take control of a situation that involves your child. His wife must realize that questioning or correcting him in front of their children will undermine his authority and only give them more fuel to play both sides against each other. Even if you disagree with each other, it is crucial to discuss the issue away from the children.
Remember this is a process. It is not always easy for adults to learn to live with someone and it can be even more difficult for children who do not always understand the changing dynamics. Even with a few years of marriage under her belt, your stepdaughter will occasionally try to compare homes when they don’t get their way.
Successfully combining a family takes time, according to conservative estimates, at least seven years. Like marriage, it is a learning process. By trying to be understanding, keeping the lines of communication open, and being your spouse’s partner in discipline, you can help the transition go smoothly.
Being heard, “You’re not my daddy” is like your stepson deciding to go nuclear: it is an “offensive” weapon used to inflict the highest level of pain and damage. It is used when the child feels threatened and has no more arguments about why he should not be forced to do or not do something.
* Make sure you don’t answer the same way – two mistakes definitely don’t do good.
* Acknowledge that your child is right, “You are not his real father.”
* Affirm that although you are not their biological father it is not relevant to you because you still care about them and want the best for their life.
Your genuine care and unwavering concern will always win out in the end.