Q: It seems like I hit myself before I started. I find myself trying to convince myself not to do anything because of all the obstacles I see. And then I end up regretting not having done anything and getting more and more frustrated. A friend pointed out this pattern to me, but none of us know what to do about it. That I have to do?
A: I know what it is.
It’s your stinky thought.
The two thought patterns he describes are examples of stinky thinking, or put another way, thoughts that are so useless they stink. Another way to think of them is as SDT or self-defeating thoughts. The two that seem to hang you the most are so common that I even have special names for them: Mr. Yabuts and Mrs. Ifonly Ida. Let’s take a closer look at each of these stinky thinking TED patterns, and then how to change them.
MISTER. YABUTS
Mr. Yabuts rears his ugly head when we say something like, “YES, I really need to do that BUT …” We can easily “yes, but” ourselves in inaction _ defeated even before we start. Yes, the targets are counterproductive, but they serve a self-protective function. If you can convince yourself that there is no reason to even try to do what you want, then you will no longer run the risk of trying and failing. While this may protect you, it also paralyzes you.
Mr. Yabuts also appears in the business world and is a good example of how to change this counterproductive pattern. Many times when a solution is offered, someone will say, “Yes, but …” This is followed by all the reasons why the idea will not work. A useful alternative to “yes, but” is “yes, and …” followed by a realistic list of problems and, here is the crucial part, a reasonable plan of action to address them.
In our personal life, we often say “yes, but” when we dream of something we want, we get scared and then try to convince ourselves not to pursue our dreams. Instead of stopping with “yes, goals”, we should ask ourselves “so what’s stopping me?”
The answer is usually ourselves. The same solution applies: make a list of obstacles and then create a reasonable plan to deal with them effectively.
MS. IF ONLY GO
Mrs. Ifonly Ida appears as a self-defeating form of regret, as in “If only I had (fill in the blank), then everything would be fine.”
The purpose of healthy repentance is to help us learn from our mistakes, not make them over and over again.
By focusing on the past, if only Ida steals your present and your future. Have you ever tried to drive your car by looking only through the rear view mirror? It’s a silly idea, but this is how we live our lives when we get caught up in Ifonly Ida.
When you find yourself using this particular type of self-defeating thinking, stop and ask yourself some better questions, such as, “What can I learn from this situation?” “What mistakes did I make that I never want to make again?” “How can I use what I have experienced and learned to live better the next time I am faced with a similar situation?”
These questions will help you do two important things about past regrets: Make room for them because they happened, and not acknowledging them prevents you from learning from them; and put past regret in its place, which is behind you. Then you are able to live in such a way that you generate few, if any, future regrets.
One way to avoid regrets in the future is to ask yourself, “How will I feel about this decision tomorrow, a year from now, and at the end of my life?” Learn and then live to have as few Idas Ifonly as possible in the future.
Mr. Yabuts or Miss Ifonly Ida are bad enough each by himself. Combine them and you’ve created a vicious cycle that will keep you stuck. Get rid of one of them and you’ll be better off. Get rid of both and you’re on your way.
My suggestion is to get both out of your brain, because they are taking up a lot of space and paying no rent.