It is very normal to be hard on yourself after cheating on your spouse. You know that you have probably made the biggest mistake of your life and are on the verge of self-hatred. Seeing the pain on your spouse’s face is like a dagger in your heart because you know that only you are responsible for this.
At the same time, what you want most is to make up for it in some way with your spouse, but your self-loathing makes it extremely difficult. Because you see your spouse as someone who deserves much more than he can offer.
A spouse might put it this way: “My husband is the best man imaginable. He is loyal, kind, sensitive and sweet. I never thought I could have such a man. And recently, I took him for granted by cheating on him.” about him with a man who is the opposite. The other man is direct and insensitive, the typical bad boy. I’m afraid it says something about my character that I chose someone who doesn’t compare to my husband in terms of character. The truth is, I never felt like I deserved my husband. I try to be a good person, but my nature is not like my husband’s. My husband is inherently good. I am not. I have to make an effort to be considerate. I have to try really hard to be courteous. When my husband found out that I was cheating, in the typical way, he told me that even though he was hurt, he would support me. I’m glad I’m not leaving, but honestly, his loyalty almost made things worse for me. It just keeps driving me home that I don’t deserve my love. sband and that I am not worthy of it. I want to be his wife. I want my marriage. But a part of me feels like the right thing to do would be to let him go because he deserves so much better. “
Why your doubts leave you vulnerable: Before moving on to the question of whether or not you deserve your husband, I want to draw your attention to something very important. Low self-esteem and not feeling well enough are two very important factors and precursors to traps. I hear from countless people who have been unfaithful to spouses whom they adored in the midst of solid marriages because they felt unworthy and therefore engaged in self-sabotage.
If you don’t pick up anything else from this article, understand that not addressing your feelings of worthlessness or unworthiness can leave you vulnerable to cheating again and may cause you to seek out partners who you think are “more like me” since you don’t. I don’t think you are as high a quality person as your spouse.
I believe that before you can fully address the issues in your marriage, you absolutely need to address the issues within your own mind: the feelings of worthlessness and of being “less than.” I can’t tell you that having an affair wasn’t a horrible thing, because you already know that.
The here and now: Rather than focusing on past damage, I think it is better to focus your attention now on what you do in the here and now. I’m not sure whether or not you deserve your husband is entirely his decision. It’s also his marriage and if he wants it and feels like he’s getting something out of it, do you really want to question it?
For me a better strategy is to work on yourself, your marriage and your internal dialogue so that in a short time you can say with absolute certainty that you have become the wife he deserves. For me, that is the best way to approach this.
Our vision of ourselves can become self-fulfilling prophecies. And yet you have a man who is willing to put up with you, so I highly recommend that you don’t sabotage this with self-loathing and self-hatred. Getting up and doing the work to become as emotionally strong and have the highest integrity of character as possible will help give you the self-confidence you need to know that you are also contributing something to your marriage.
Are you dragging your past with you ?: Many of us carry luggage from our childhoods to our marriage. I suspect that could be what is happening here. But, by doing this, you are making both your husband (and you) pay for something that happened a long time ago, something that I would be willing to bet was not the fault of either of you.
Now, however, you are an adult. And you have the power to leave the luggage of your past. Starting today, you can begin to become the person you want to be and the spouse you want your husband to have. The first step in doing this is taking a break. You made a mistake. But you take the solution seriously. And part of that is that you no longer see yourself as not good enough.
Yes, you have problems to deal with. And yes, you’ve made a bit of a mess. But the simple fact that you acknowledge problems and desperately want to improve them tells me that you have a higher degree of integrity than you think. Because people who do not feel true remorse for infidelity and who do not want to be better people would not be reading this article.