Here’s something that isn’t talked about much after an affair and is somewhat difficult to understand: Oftentimes, if you’re the faithful wife, you want your husband to come to you. This is true even if you know you may not even want it. Still, you want him to love you. Because this would indicate remorse, sorrow and longing. This would help your wounded self-esteem and confirm that the man you married is out there somewhere. Unfortunately, this type of approach is not always that easy. The wife may suspect that the husband wants to communicate with her, but for some reason he doesn’t. This may be due to shame, guilt, or an inability to communicate after being caught in such an unflattering situation. This leaves the wife wondering how to proceed. She definitely doesn’t want to beg him to come to her. (After all, she shouldn’t have to do that.) But she wants some kind of reassurance because this might make her feel better.
So she asks, “Is it normal for a husband to walk away after an affair because of guilt? My husband says he’s sorry. Or should I clarify that he writes that he’s sorry. He doesn’t talk to me directly about it. He leaves me little notes or cards he tells me how sorry he is and says he hopes that one day we can recover from this but then when we are physically together he doesn’t look me in the eye he doesn’t try to touch me or hug me or even offer me any comfort he just stands there awkwardly and looks his feet like it’s the saddest moment of his life. Aside from me, he feels sorry for him, but I also feel like he made this mess. And he needs to clean it up. But I have my doubts he’s going to do that when all he can All he can do is look sad and look at his feet. I want him to come to me if nothing more than that gave me the option to reject him. The other day, I got frustrated and asked him if he was going to sit and be quiet for the rest of our lives I asked him why he never say nothing. His response was that he was paralyzed by his guilt and that he doesn’t feel that he has the right to talk to me, interact with me or get physically close to me. He almost hinted that he was waiting for me to take the lead, which, frankly, almost infuriated me. Do I have to put up with cheating on him and now I’m stuck having to be the one to start it all when he’s the one who cheated? That doesn’t seem fair.”
Are you okay. It doesn’t seem fair at all. But it is not rare. Cheating spouses may have a very strong and understandable fear of rejection. They know they deserve your anger and wrath. They know that it is very possible that the moment they try to contact you, they will be rejected, or even worse. So they allow their fear to direct their actions. In short, they are waiting for some signal from you to tell them that it is “safe” or “appropriate” for them to contact you. Whether the wife decides to allow this or not is up to her. Some wives will choose to wait and see if the husband finally feels more comfortable or decides that she should move on and risk rejection.
Other wives will lose their temper and try to approach you with something like, “I know you said your guilt prevents you from communicating or getting close, but I’m not sure we can go on like this. There’s not much I have to explain or say, since it’s not me.” who cheated. So I can’t really take the lead and I can’t read your mind. At the same time, if there are any regrets or insights you need to share with me so we can start making decisions about what we might want to do in the future, now would be the time to share that. It’s going to be very difficult for us to progress when you don’t communicate or express your wishes in any way. I know you say you’re guilty or scared, but I think you need to get over this and take courage because this it’s our marriage we’re talking about. There’s been an affair, so the desire for comfort and reassurance is unrealistic here, I couldn’t help feeling rejection and loaf. I don’t think it’s realistic for you p Think you won’t feel any discomfort going forward. If we never communicate, we probably won’t stand a chance. So it will be your decision if you want to continue crouching without contacting me.”
Wait and see how he responds. He can tell you that he honestly felt you wanted nothing from him. That’s where it gets tricky because you may be feeling conflicting emotions. You may want the reassurance of him reaching out, but once he does, he may not feel completely comfortable reassuring you. There is often a long way to go before he can offer true reassurance. So you don’t want to put yourself in a position where you imply that he has nothing to fear or that you are offering him guarantees. But you want it to be clear that he has to make the effort regardless. And, as a faithful spouse, it’s not your responsibility to get things going, but if you want to give him a little nudge with a conversation, there’s nothing wrong with that.