Trust is fragile. Secrets and lies jeopardize trust and can damage us and our relationships, sometimes irreparably.
We all tell “white lies.” We say “I’m fine,” when we’re not, compliment unwanted gifts or even lie, “The check is in the mail.” But in an intimate relationship, emotional honesty includes letting our partner know who we are. Honesty is more than just not lying. Cheating includes making ambiguous or vague statements, telling half-truths, manipulating information through emphasis, exaggeration, or minimization, and withholding information or feelings that are important to someone who has a “right to know” because it affects the relationship and freedom of that person. choice. Although we may consider ourselves honest, few of us reveal our negative thoughts and feelings about those close to us. It requires the courage to be vulnerable and authentic.
Damage caused by secrets and lies
Most people who lie worry about the risks of being honest, but they give little thought to the risks of dishonesty. Some of the ways that lies and secrets cause harm are:
- They block real intimacy with a partner. Intimacy is based on trust and authenticity – the ability to be vulnerable – “naked” not only physically, but emotionally.
- They lead to cover-up lies and omissions that can be difficult to remember. These add up, and if the truth comes out, it can be more hurtful than the original secret. The longer the truth is hidden, the greater the hurdle of disclosure becomes, since it would call into question every case of cover-up and every time the innocent partner trusted the traitor.
- Due to numbers 1 and 2 above, the keeper of the secret usually feels guilty, or at least uncomfortable, during intimate moments with the deceived person. You tend to avoid closeness and certain topics. Avoidance may not even be conscious and includes things like worrying about work, friends, hobbies, or addictive behavior, and engaging in activities that leave few opportunities for private conversations. The deceiver might even provoke an argument to create distance.
- Universally, honesty is valued as a moral norm, although the context and details may differ between different cultures. When we violate religious or cultural norms by hiding the truth, we experience guilt-generated anxiety. Despite our best efforts to hide, our physiological reaction is the basis for electronic lie detectors.
- Violation of our values leads not only to guilt for our actions, but also affects our self-concept. Over a long period, disappointment can kill our self-esteem. Ordinary guilt that could be honestly reversed now turns into shame and undermines our fundamental sense of dignity and worth as a person. The gap between the self we show to others and how we feel inside is widening. Writes keeper of secrets Jane Isay, “…a mere set of secrets can spread through a person’s character like a cancer, one that is hard to get rid of.” (“Secrets and Lies,” Psychology Today, March 2014).
- Ways of handling guilt and shame create more problems. We hide not only the secret but more of who we are. We might build up resentments to justify our actions, withdraw, or become critical, petulant, or aggressive. We rationalize our lie or secret to avoid internal conflict and the danger we imagine awaits us if we come clean. Some people become obsessed with their lie to the point that they have a hard time concentrating on anything else. Other people are able to compartmentalize their feelings or rationalize their actions to better handle dishonesty. Compartmentalization and denial, rationalization (“What my partner doesn’t know won’t hurt them”) or minimization (“I only did it once”) are what help us deal with inner conflict and an undesirable reality. They can be so effective that we are convinced that lying supports the relationship. We don’t want to face the pain or the choices that the truth might precipitate.
- Not in vain, beyond the mental anguish, the investigation; reveals that lying causes health problems.
- Victims of deception may react to avoidance behavior by feeling confused, anxious, angry, suspicious, abandoned, or needy. They may start to doubt themselves and their self-esteem may suffer.
what to disclose
Opinions vary on how much “truth” others need to know. In some cultures, there is a tacit understanding that infidelity is expected, as long as the adulterer is discreet. More changes over time so that once taboo homosexuality and transgenderism are more openly accepted and discussed. Similarly, the fact of adoption and information about the birth parents were once kept secret or only revealed when the child was older. Such jarring revelations were often traumatic, but they also explained confusing anomalies in the child’s mind. Today, it is recommended to inform young children, and some families opt for open adoptions, in which the birth mother is more or less involved in the child’s life.
We have the right to information about our assets, in particular for medical reasons. Secrets about things like addiction, crime, and mental illness lead to chronic shame and family dysfunction. Children already “know” that something is wrong, but denial undermines self-confidence and reality testing.
In a sexual relationship, we have the right to know the intentions and fidelity of our partner, both for emotional and health reasons. Often, faithful partners rationalize or deny this need and their vulnerability to emotional detriment. By not asking questions or expressing their needs, they allow and collude in deception for the same reason the betrayer is dishonest or secretive: so as not to rock the ship and jeopardize the relationship. When there has been betrayal, even if the couple stays together, the seeds of mistrust linger and sometimes poison the relationship.
On the other hand, we also have the right to privacy. Even in the most intimate relationship, disclosure of conversations with our therapist, close friends, and relatives should, in my opinion, be discretionary.
victims of treason
When the truth does come out, it is often eye-opening. You can help the other person make sense of unexplained or confusing behavior. At the same time, it can be devastating and traumatic to discover that the one we love and trust has betrayed us. It can shatter the image we have of our partner as well as our confidence in ourselves and even our own reality. Unfortunately, victims of betrayal often blame themselves. Although it can be fruitful to examine our behavior to learn from it, we are never responsible for another person’s actions or omissions. If the relationship wasn’t working, both partners have a responsibility to talk and address the issues.
Aggrieved couples begin to review details of past events and conversations, looking for overlooked clues and evidence of lies. There is a natural desire to seek explanations and learn more facts. They may painfully conclude that they and their partner have been living in two very different realities that they once thought they shared. Even if the relationship survives, it is a loss when trust is broken.
As with all losses, our first reaction is denial, if not of the facts, then of the severity of the impact. It may take time to accept the truth. Each of us will ascribe a different meaning to events in order to heal and make peace with ourselves, our loved ones, and a messy reality we once thought safe and predictable.
When and how to disclose
What, when, why and how we disclose are essential factors. The timing, the impact, and our motives must be carefully considered. Step Nine in Twelve Step Programs suggests making peace with people we have wronged, “except when doing so would insult them or others.
Full disclosure may be necessary to rebuild a broken marriage. Research shows that half-truths can make you feel even worse. Studies also show that people who have good self-esteem and a positive opinion of their partner are more likely to forgive.
However, what are the compelling reasons to reveal an adventure that ended a long time ago or a current one that we have no intention of ending? In the first case, is it to deepen mutual intimacy, or in the second, to avoid it or provoke a divorce that we are afraid to initiate? Revealing our dissatisfaction in the relationship could be the necessary conversation that, had it been communicated earlier, would have prevented the affair.
For everyone involved, the pain of the secret compounds the pain of the initial event, and the longer the deception continues, the more damaging it is to self-esteem. Ideally, before revealing the truth to the person we have lied to, it helps to have accepted our mistakes; otherwise our shame and guilt can be obstacles to genuine empathy for the person we have harmed. First talk to someone who is non-judgmental, who you trust, or seek advice. If we have forgiven ourselves, we are in a better position to answer questions and deal with the anger and hurt feelings we have caused.
Each treason case is unique. The potential harm and complications surrounding lying and disclosure are things to consider when telling lies and keeping secrets. Contemplating the consequences of our actions for ourselves, our loved ones, and our relationships in advance requires a degree of self-awareness, but can prevent unnecessary suffering. For more information on matters, see http://www.dearpeggy.com.
©DarleneLancer 2016