How is it that social networks can make us feel disconnected?
Well, first of all we have to go back to what connects us in the first place. The fact is that contact with people (just being around people) we call it connectivity – is not sufficient. We have a lot of contact with people these days, but very little connection.
But specifically, with the use of social media, and the more we use it, the worse it gets, there are real obstacles to real connection. Because social media tends to be the highlights of our lives, we tend to be offline, goal comparison.
Connection breeds intimacy and trust, but comparison breeds envy and essentially develops a form of loneliness and disconnection.
In short, connecting on social media tends to create an unreal form of connection. Generally, it is a spoofed form of connection. Tends to imitate intimacy without achieving it.
When you go back a few years, before social media, people who were more introverted might have a hard time being in social settings and therefore would have a hard time feeling connected. Surely though social media is a great platform for introverts to really connect with, isn’t it?
To some extent, and for some to a great extent, that may be true. But something is still missing. Unless people are willing to share themselves and allow themselves to be vulnerable, trusting another person, there will be no connection. By that, I don’t mean the sordid details. But the true reality of what they are thinking and feeling.
In some ways, introverts have always had an advantage over extroverts. Introverts appreciate one-on-one relationships more and, as a result, tend to develop deeper relationships with fewer people.
That was the case before social media and it is still the case. Potentially, it is introverts who lose the most from social media, if it replaces their need for a deeper connection with connectivity.
Let’s paint a scenario that we’ve probably all seen. You go out to dinner, and at the table next to you is a family of 4, and they are ALL on their phones. They are not relating to each other. Why is it that even when we have the opportunity to connect face to face, we sometimes choose to remain disconnected? What’s so appealing about connecting through social media instead of connecting face-to-face?
We have to be honest here, right? We have all been there, or at least been tempted! I guess it’s the case that with social media We control the connection; we don’t have to wait or depend on others.
we really need resist that temptation. Connection comes from presence.. We cannot distract ourselves and be or remain present. And if we are not present, there is no connection, which means that there is no blessing within the relationship for those who participate in it, hence the social loneliness (feeling of being alone in a room full of people) that we face as a result.
However, we too We have to be realist in this busy age of instant communication. If my wife or one of my daughters texts me and it’s urgent, I’ll reply and never apologize for it, because that’s where tool becomes connection.
What research shows are some of the dangers of too much interaction online? What effect will this have on all of us, say 10 or 20 years from now?
In a way, it’s hard to tell, but I suspect that gradually we will lose the ability to truly communicate, to be real, to be vulnerable, to trust other people. And I suspect there will be more problems with poor mental health.
Connection with social networks (connectivity) tends to replace Real face-to-face connection. The connection to social networks increases feelings of envy, because we are making many comparisons. But we are not comparing with reality.
Those with mental health problems such as depression and anxiety suffer more acutely because excessive use of social media makes us withdraw and increases isolation.
The misuse of social media presents us with some alarming potential realities.
So do you have some simple tips to help counteract our online connectivity?
We have to be intentional. Deliberate and intentional. We have to be aware when our social networks are no longer our friends but our nemesis. It has to serve us, not the other way around. A good example of this is reviewing the Apps on our phones. Are we addicted to certain Apps? If so, and I’ve done it with some of them, we could remove them. Learn to get by without them. We did it before.
if there is one thing we can do it is not watch it first thing in the morning, while we’re still in bed, and don’t get involved in the last thing, when we get into bed. Let’s be present with our loved ones and focus on preparing for the day ahead, or on being in a good mood to rest.
And some tips to help us balance our online and face-to-face connectivity?
Here are two keywords that apply to restore balance in any area of our lives: AWARENESS and ACTION.
We need to be aware of HOW our social networks negatively impact us, as well as identify WHAT we are missing as a result. Once we are aware, we can plan what we are going to change. Action often comes in the form of setting some standards that are relatively easy to implement, like checking my social media only 2-3 times a day, not twenty (or more).
But I will also make sure that there is real face-to-face interaction with people, and real sharing and listening, every day. Make it a kind of daily reminder. Add some quiet time to your day, which should be easy since you’re checking social media less… I guarantee you’ll be happier as a result.
It’s also helpful to realize how uplifting our social media is…it’s like television…there are some great shows that are instructional and educational…there’s so much about social media that is poor in quality and substance. We have to learn to be demanding.
Thanks to Tim Long for the questions.