No one is immune from the sad experience of suffering the death of a loved one. However, until death comes into our lives and an important person is no longer with us, our culture teaches us to deny death and minimize the impact it has on the quality of life. Then, if we’re lucky, we get a crash course in grief from a counselor, clergyman, or social worker.
No matter what we learn at the time, we have long been burdened with half-truths and false beliefs perpetuated by well-meaning adults. Those assumptions and beliefs make it difficult to achieve the ultimate goal of all grief: accepting the reality of loss. Acceptance means saying an intellectual, but more importantly, an emotional “yes” to this great change in our lives.
Acceptance only comes through the concerted efforts of the grieving person. Contrary to old misinformation, time does not heal all wounds, unless the bereaved does his work of mourning. Or, as a mother once told me after the death of her 17-year-old son in a car accident, “Time doesn’t help unless you work between minutes.”
The key understanding is that you must take daily steps to accept and reinvest in life. All of this is easy to say but difficult to do. So what form should the action take? Here are five starts.
1. Talk to yourself every day and every night that you will go through this dark soul searching experience. What you tell yourself not only affects every cell in your body for better or worse, it will greatly affect the much-needed action that only you can initiate.
2. Although essential, positive self-talk alone is not a panacea. You have to start designing small hits to realize that you can adapt to this big life change. This is the key factor. Make a plan to get through this particular day (even the next hour) or one that you think will be difficult for you. Maybe working part-time is a success for you or completing your tax return yourself for the first time. Find something and do it, as it will strengthen your inner life.
3. Recognize how far you’ve come. When you review your day, give yourself credit for where you are on your trip. If it’s only been a month or several months, keep in mind that it still is and will continue to persist. Tell yourself every day that you will continue to do so and know that things will change for the better. Your constant action to adapt will make a difference. Celebrate your progress with a friend you trust and who knows your pain.
4. Examine why you are where you are in your grieving work. What skills have you used? Or what hidden talent have you discovered that you didn’t know you had? Something has led you here. Your ability to organize? Your commitment? To believe? Your faith? Knowing that you are not alone or how to relate to caregivers? Keep using whatever it is and work to develop it further. In short, acknowledge and use your strengths.
5. Begin and end each day with memories of gratitude. This will be especially helpful when you feel the downward spiral and anxiety about your loss beginning to set in. Review your day to see the good things that happened (an old friend called, found the key you lost, got a raise, your computer is working fine, etc.) and fully immerse yourself in the good feelings. This is good mental health in the making. Also, go over your life with the deceased and pick out some mementos of gratitude. Focus on all that you received and immerse yourself again in the feeling of being loved by him / her and a Higher Power.
Ultimately, your action that results in small successes will be the determining factor in eliminating unnecessary suffering from your grieving time. In the process of adjusting, get rid of the notion that you can’t have some moments of inner joy and peace. We all need them to balance the sadness and negative thoughts that constantly seep into our thinking. It’s okay to smile, feel good, or laugh without feeling guilty; that’s part of the action you can take and another little success. It will recharge you as you return to continue adjusting to your great loss.