Sometimes I hear from panicked spouses who are completely ignored after their infidelity or affair is discovered. Often, they know that they deserve their spouse’s wrath, but they are afraid that their spouse will continue to ignore them and that this may mean their infidelity will contribute to their marriage ending forever.
I heard of a wife who said, “I admitted to cheating on my husband because I just couldn’t take the guilt anymore. And at the end of the day, I wanted to come clean so I could save my marriage. I knew my husband would be furious and he was. But I didn’t expect him to kick me out, which is exactly what he did. He hardly said a word and showed me the door. I left because I thought he needed some time to think. However, it’s been over a week and he doesn’t answer my questions. No phone calls or return my text I showed up at the house the other day and he came to the door and just shook his head like to show no he wouldn’t let me in or acknowledge my presence. I asked if he was going to ignore me forever and he just shrugged and turned and walked away. I understand his anger. but I absolutely hate being ignored. What does ignoring me mean? What should I do? I’ll try to answer these questions in the next article.
As difficult as it may be, it’s often in your best interest to give your spouse some space: I know this is a difficult situation. Many people tell me that they would actually rather have their spouse yell and yell all kinds of insults than just ignore them. I understand this because even if your spouse is angry with you, at least he or she is experiencing enough emotion to have a reaction, even if it’s negative.
But if he doesn’t seem to be experiencing much emotion and is ignoring you as a result, you start to wonder if this will go on forever or if it’s gone altogether. I understand that you feel this way, but I understand that your spouse may be reeling and not sure how you really feel. As someone who has been cheated on, I can tell you that you often feel very different from hour to hour. Sometimes you are angry. Other times you are hurt. And there are many times when you are confused. And, when your spouse keeps showing up demanding you talk to them, it can make things worse for you, which brings me to my next point.
How to react when your spouse keeps ignoring you after being caught cheating or having an affair: I know it can be tempting to try to get your spouse involved or get mad at them just to give them an idea of how you feel. But try to avoid negative emotions directed at them. None of this is his fault. In fact, it was your actions that set this in motion. If you want to save your marriage with your spouse, you really want to have a little patience and focus on their well-being instead of your own.
They probably won’t ignore you forever, but let them finish off this outdated partner on their own terms. They deserve to be able to set the pace at their own comfort level. Many spouses in this situation tell me they are not sure how to proceed. They want to understand and respect their spouse’s need for space. But at the same time, they don’t want to walk out of their spouse’s life so quickly that they don’t seem to care.
There really is a fine line. My advice would be to avoid face-to-face confrontations until you are invited. It’s probably painful and confusing for your spouse to see you show up at their house unannounced trying to gauge your reaction. Instead, you may want to communicate via text, email, or by sending flowers or cards. But don’t be pushy about it. Instead of sending messages that say “how long do you plan on ignoring me” or “you can’t dodge me forever,” you should keep the message supportive rather than pushy. You might want to say something like, “I respect that you don’t want to see me or talk to me right now. But I just want you to know that I love you and only have your best interests at heart. Whenever you’re ready to talk or have questions, I’m available.” for you whenever possible. If there’s anything I can do to help you heal or offer you some relief, all you have to do is say so.”
You see the difference? You are signing up to show that you care and are offering support and security. But you are not pressuring them or trying to make them feel guilty or selfish about their isolation.