I often hear from people who have only agreed to a trial separation because it is what their spouse wanted or insisted on. They have no intention of making the separation permanent or allowing things to deteriorate so much that the separation ultimately leads to divorce. But they know that their wishes will not automatically come true unless they take control and make it come true. To that end, they often want to know how they should act during the breakup to give them the best chance of reconciliation.
I heard from one wife who said, “My husband has been wanting a divorce for the past seven months. After much arguing and pleading, I finally convinced him of a trial separation. My greatest wish is to save my marriage because I still love this man and I know having an intact family is the best thing for my children, but since he left things have gotten even worse between us, he says he feels like I push him too much and I try to keep an eye on him, of course I want to communicate with him regularly because I’m struggling to keep him. But my friends say my strategy is wrong. They say I need to give him space and not be so stifling. Are they right? How should I act to have the best chance of getting him back?
I understood the wife’s actions. Her descriptions reminded me a lot of how I acted during my own breakup. He wants so badly to cling to her husband. You want to know that he misses you as much as you miss him. And you feel as if backing up, even a little bit, would allow it to slip right through your fingers. But, this wife’s friends had a valid point. Often the more you cling to your estranged husband, the less he wants to allow you access because he feels pressured. And very often, he imagined having some space during the separation. And when he doesn’t get it, he can blame you and take his space by forcefully distancing himself from you. This is not what you want. So, below, I’ll offer some advice on what I think is the best way to act during a breakup when your main goal is to get him back.
Don’t act like you’ve already lost it: When estranged wives tell me they want their husbands back, I often remind them that he is still their husband. He has not left the marriage yet because there has been no divorce. Yes, being apart is scary and it certainly doesn’t imply that you are happily married without any issues. But neither does it mean that divorce is imminent. Many estranged couples reconcile and avoid divorce.
It is very common for wives to panic in this situation and act as if they have already lost their husband. This contributes to attachment that can make an already difficult situation worse. So ask yourself if you’re acting like you’ve already lost it. If so, now is the time to change that and show some confidence, even if you have to force yourself to do so. Often her husband will follow her example, even if neither of you realizes he is doing it.
If you give off the feeling that things are just terrible and that you are only a few weeks away from one of you filing for divorce, then whether you try or not makes this more likely. But if he seems sure that everything will work out because he is determined that it will and he knows that the two of you truly love each other, then they are more likely to reconcile.
Don’t look at it how to act: When wives ask me how they are supposed to “act” to make something happen, I have to remind them not to see any part of this process as an act. The last thing he wants to do is allow her husband to think that she is manipulating him. Any action you take and any feeling you show must seem absolutely genuine.
If you think of this as acting, you may be sabotaging yourself. You want to show your husband your true, authentic self when that self is at his best. If you feel like you’re acting out, he takes a step back and re-evaluates what you’re trying to portray. You always want to make sure that it’s you that he sees and not a role you’re playing. Because if he even suspects that you’re not being genuine, then he won’t be remotely receptive to your words or actions.
Don’t create additional drama. Be as accessible as possible: I understand that there is a lot of uncertainty and fear right now. So, I fully understand that it’s hard to be optimistic and approachable. And yet that is exactly what I am suggesting. Because if every time you and your husband are together you discuss difficult topics or try to get him to come home, he’ll just start avoiding you. You will begin to hear excuses as to why he is busy or unable to communicate with you. And face-to-face meetings can get weird.
To save your marriage, you need to gain some ground. And to do that, you need to spend quality, enjoyable time with your husband. For that to happen, you’ll need to be approachable and personable. This is back to being the best version of yourself. Always try to be positive and optimistic so that he enjoys the time you spend together. If you do this correctly, he will naturally want to continue interacting with you and this should naturally lead to an improvement in your marriage.
So to answer the question posed, you shouldn’t see this in terms of “acting” in a certain way. But you need to take a very positive and open approach that makes your interactions feel effortless rather than forced.