My husband makes me feel invisible. Does this sound familiar? Feeling unimportant or insignificant within a marriage is more common than you think.
I felt like this before. So I am instantly saddened and my heart aches every time I hear this or similar comments from the women I coach. When someone as important as our spouse ignores us or makes derogatory comments, it can lead us to feel insignificant, unworthy, or invisible. If you are having trouble with this issue, you may find this article helpful.
Between my late teens and early thirties, my value as a person was based primarily on external factors. If a guy told me she was pretty, that meant she was pretty. If he laughed with me and we had fun together, that meant he was fun to be around. If he asked me out on a date, that meant I was worth his time. In my first marriage, my husband had Playboy magazines. In my mind, that meant my body wasn’t beautiful and I wasn’t good enough. If he didn’t call me during the day, then I wasn’t important to him. If he was in a bad mood, it must have been something I did or didn’t do and it was my job to make him feel better.
Do you see the pattern? He only felt good about himself if someone else told me that he was valuable. How I felt about myself was a direct result of my partner’s mood or the attention they gave or withheld from me. When I finally made the decision to stop living my life in such a painful and confusing way, I learned something very interesting:
The way people treat us is a reflection of the way we treat ourselves.
If your husband’s behavior makes you feel insignificant, invisible, or rejected, take a close look at how you treat yourself and what you think of yourself. Do you treat yourself like you’re insignificant? How often do you put yourself first?
Right now, I know some of you are rolling your eyes and saying to yourself, “Oh, it would be selfish of me to put myself first! I couldn’t do that!” Or some of you might think that your spouse is just an insensitive jerk. he may be an idiot (which is a topic for another article) and you are free to ignore what I am sharing with you. But I guess the approach you’ve tried so far isn’t working. It might be worth your while to try something different.
If you want to ease the pain of feeling slighted, stop letting their behaviors dictate how you feel about yourself. To do this, you must increase the voltage to love yourself! For the next 30 days, I challenge you to do two or three things every day to show yourself acceptance and love. There are many ways to do this. For example, saying affirmations several times a day, writing in a journal, taking a bubble bath, exercising, doing yoga, walking in nature, eating healthy foods, etc.
Why is it so important to treat yourself with love and acceptance? Because, when YOU truly believe that you are important, worthy, and valuable, you WON’T NEED anyone else to validate your existence or confirm your importance. I am not saying that you will stop wanting to be recognized and appreciated. You may still feel sad or even angry when your husband ignores you, but the more you practice self-love and acceptance, the faster you can let go and deal effectively with the situation.
When you act like you appreciate and value yourself, you will bring about a change in all your relationships, especially your marriage. Your spouse may notice a difference in you and be attentive and interested again. Or, he might act in an effort to get you back to the way you were before. Your marriage might get stronger or you might finally admit to yourself that you knew it was all over a long time ago. You have to decide how you want to live the rest of your life. Are you willing to settle for the status quo or do something to facilitate a change in your relationship?
Keep in mind that changing the way you relate to yourself and your husband can be a daunting task. I encourage you to establish a support person or team to help you get through the first few weeks. A close friend, support group, counselor, or coach can lift your spirits, help you strategize, and keep you focused on your desired outcome.
I would like to leave you with this final thought… If you feel invisible or insignificant to someone, you have given that person the ability to control your feelings and how you experience life. You can continue to give your power to that person or you can find ways to take your power back and take care of yourself.