It’s amazing how many people ask for what whose they want instead of what they want. It seems contradictory, but that’s how we are. Most of us don’t even realize we’re doing it.
To explain what I mean, consider the way your mind works. When you see or hear something, your mind deals with images, pictures in your mind. You are able to think of something even if you don’t know the word (“You know, the little round things at the bottom of fishing poles”). The mind deals with images, not words.
Even when we read something, we don’t think about the words written in our mind. We translate those words into images.
Words like “no” and “no” do not change the images with which they are associated. Telling another person (or yourself) not to do something creates the image of what you don’t want in your mind, as well as theirs. How could it be otherwise?
This point is important because we tend to move towards what we think. We hear about athletes who clearly envision a perfect performance to help them achieve it. The same applies to everyday life. We may not actively choose our thoughts, but we will still tend to move towards them, even if we are thinking about what we don’t want.
An example I use in my seminars is also the only parenting advice I’ll venture to give. (I don’t know who said it, but I agree with the sentiment expressed by: “Before I had kids, I had seven theories about parenting. Now I have seven kids and no theories.”)
Imagine you’re the parent of a 3-year-old who’s in the kitchen attempting the incredible feat of moving a half-gallon jug full of milk from counter to table. Your psychic parental vision gives you an image of yourself cleaning up a large puddle of milk in the near future. You tell the child…
Most people say something like “Don’t spill the milk.” As you say that, what image do you have in your mind? What image did you create in your child’s mind?
In hypnosis circles, a statement like that is known as an “embedded command.” The “no” in a statement like “Don’t relax faster than you…” calms the conscious mind and allows it to accept the “command” to relax.
In the same way, “Don’t spill the milk” is a command to spill the milk, and saying it increases the chances that you’ll get a result you don’t want. You actually asked for it.
How about this statement: “Carry milk carefully and safely with both hands.” What image does that create? The difference is that now you have asked for what you want, not what you don’t want. You have improved the chances of getting a good result dramatically.
Up to you. Which style, asking for what you want or asking for what you don’t want, is more likely to produce results you like? Asking for what you want is the way to go.
However, most people tend to ask for what they don’t want. Listen with this in mind, and you’ll hear all kinds of examples. “Don’t forget your keys.” “Don’t stay out too late.” “I hope I don’t ruin this presentation.”
Now that you know this principle, it will be quite easy for you to change and ask for what you want. It’s a relatively small mindset shift that pays huge cumulative dividends.
At first, it may take a little while to catch your negative requests, but soon you’ll be asking for what you want. You will find change easy. After all, it’s a lot more fun to think about what you want than about the things you don’t want.