The bank of a single client…
Today I got to the office early, as I had always skipped breakfast (I belong to the street, the street does not eat breakfast at home, we eat breakfast on the street) my boss was already in the office when I entered. Almost as if he had slept in the office awaiting my arrival.
I greeted him warmly and headed to my desk to start the day’s work. After a while, I started to feel unusually hungry and weak, mainly because I skipped dinner the night before…these days, I hardly eat, it seems as if my appetite keeps on reclining with the August rains.
I took permission from my boss and went to the cafeteria where the only food vendor available was a mixed-race Italian-Nigerian woman whose culinary prowess involved the use of many strange hot spices. I quietly took a seat by the window and ordered the menu. Looking through, I settled for a more familiar food choice among the variety of strange names I found on it, I chose fried rice and regular fish…
They say a Yoruba woman’s best friend is ‘Atarodo, shombo and tatashe’ but wait until you eat some of this woman’s food… Immediately my tongue touched the rice, I ordered two bottles of raggolis, I knew I was on fire.
But because I had paid a good sum for the food, plus it also tasted good (if you subtract the pepper), I gulped it all down, drank a full cup of more water, and happily headed back to the office…
As soon as I walked in, my boss asked me to follow him for a short business meeting at the military cantonment along the Kubwa road… I got in the car and we drove into the heart of Abuja.
Halfway through the ride, I suddenly felt restless, my stomach started making strange sounds, you know, the kind of sound that occurs when people in your town are bent on embarrassing you… it was quite disconcerting and I felt very restless.
After a while, I couldn’t take it anymore, it was like my stomach was on fire… I really wanted to go. By that time we were already in area 11, if you know Abuja very well you will know that the whole place is busy with office buildings and beautiful flowers…no bushes at all for any kind of short term (Unibuja Hostel Girls can relate.
My boss saw a friend of his standing next to his car at the Commassaie cantonment, he stopped the car and got out to exchange compliments, at which point my body could no longer withstand the immense pressure… I had to leave as soon as possible.
I jumped out of the car and started frantically looking around for any bushes, anything that looked like a bush, anything with enough cover to protect me from the prying eyes of passing motorists… I couldn’t find any, I was now sweating profusely like a Hausa man who had just taken Sakemi.
My boss somehow took notice of my situation and approached me. ‘You know, Levi, there’s a bench over there by the barracks,’ he said with a knowing smile as he pointed to a compound a few feet away.
I didn’t wait to respond, I just accelerated in the direction he had pointed out. I found the bank and ran to the security gate with a nice smiling security guard stationed at the door. When I got closer, he smiled.
‘Welcome to a client’s bank…
Still sweating, I managed to ask where the bathroom was and the guy waved his hands at me, obviously knowing why.
I ran to the bathroom, luckily there was no one in… I had never been so happy to see a toilet seat, it looked heavenly, white as the pure color of justice, round as mama Emelda’s breast and deep as the veejaajay of a town runs girl…
I took off my suit, my pants, my shirt, my tie, my belt and I was completely naked… these kinds of things are best done naked, naked as a glass bulb. I took a good stand and boy did it rain thunder and brimstone and rockets and bullets… Lord help whoever was sitting near the toilet that day, I’m sure even Ahmadioha in all his fury couldn’t have sounded louder than me blessed behind.
When I finished, I felt peace like a river…peace like the Benue River flowing through the quiet valleys of the Delta. I took my time straightening up, and boy, when I looked at myself in the mirror mounted on the wall, I looked so stunning I could almost kiss myself.
I finally got out of the bathroom and stalked out of the bank, only then did I recognize that it was a bank. When I got to the security guard at the gate, he just smiled and said, “Thank you for banking with One Customer Bank.”
I smiled and walked confidently to the car where my boss was sitting patiently waiting for me…