While you may be surprised when your spouse declares that they want a divorce, there are likely dark clouds on the horizon that point to an approaching cold front. According to a recent survey by Northside Counseling, there are 10 common behaviors that indicate the winds of divorce are blowing. Although it is not a clinical study, the survey results appear to be consistent with what we have noticed during 15 years of practicing divorce and custody law.
1. Two or more issues
Spouses deviate from the nest and engage in love affairs for a variety of reasons, including falling out of love with the other spouse, a lack of passion and enthusiasm in the marriage, or the feeling that the other spouse does not appreciate them. If your spouse says they believe in monogamy but internally believes it is unrealistic, you are likely having two or more affairs. If your spouse has promised to stop getting involved in love affairs, it is not enough. If a promise alone was enough, the wedding vows would have worked the first time. Two or more affairs in a marriage are an indicator that your spouse may be ready to blow up the cooperative.
2. Continuous lie
His wife calls and says he’s working late at the office and will be home much later. You call to see how she is, and she is not there. Your husband says he is going fishing with a friend and you meet that friend at the grocery store. Continual lying is a red flag that your spouse might be keeping a dirty little secret.
3. Close friendship with the opposite sex
With countless hours of work and social media platforms, it’s easy to break up with a friend of the opposite sex. Spouses with friends of the opposite sex can often interact and end up spending more time with that friend than with their partner. Platonic relationships can lead to romantic relationships. In fact, 85 percent of divorced couples attribute their spouse’s close friendship with the opposite sex to the reason for the marital dispute.
4. Continuous defensiveness
The defensive attitude is a defense mechanism against criticism. However, it is a destructive response and obstructs communication between partners. Nothing is resolved and the conflict just escalates. When your spouse is continually on the defensive, it is a sign that they are being blamed for the problem. It’s a way of saying, “I don’t care what you need in marriage, this is what I need.” This behavior is a strong predictor of an impending divorce.
5. Abusive and threatening behaviors
Threatening abusive behavior often manifests itself with threats, constant criticism, manipulation, and intimidation. This type of abuse can make the victim spouse feel anxious or depressed. Abusers tend to enjoy the power they feel from emotional abuse, and many are unable to change this learned behavior. Abuse is a red flag that it is time to file for divorce.
6. Reserved behaviors
Behaviors that are illegal, suspicious, and addictive can continue in a marriage and are obvious red flags that should not be ignored. Trust what you feel; your hunch that something is up is probably okay. The reason people act secretly in a marriage is because they know they shouldn’t be doing what they are doing. Once the cat is out of the bag, it is likely to feed the divorce papers.
7. Hiding the phone or using the password
There should be no secrets between the partners in a marriage. There is no reason for a spouse to hide their phone or not provide passwords. Why hide the history of text messages, emails about who you have been in contact with, visited websites or cell phone records? The simple answer is that one spouse does not want the other to know what they have been doing. When you snoop around, you may not like what you find.
8. Excessive use of alcohol or drugs
While you and your spouse probably celebrated before saying yes, marriage is the time to settle down. Excessive alcohol or drug use can lead to abusive behavior and job loss. Often times, the sober spouse cannot tolerate this type of behavior. Rehabilitation and AA programs don’t work for everyone, and divorce may be the only alternative.
9. Repeated flirting
Spouses who flirt repeatedly cause a great deal of trouble. All that attention directed at another arouses jealousy in the ignored spouse. It is also highly suggestive that the flirting spouse is interested in more than just tea and scones. Repeated flirting is a recipe for divorce.
10. Different sexual desires
Not being in the mood for intimacy is a mantra often uttered by married couples. When couples have a different sexual appetite, it establishes the change by incompatibility. When the needs of one in a marriage are not met by the other spouse, divorce is likely to loom in the background.