Betrayal is probably the most devastating loss a person can experience. To be betrayed, the person must first experience trust in the betrayer. It’s impossible to be betrayed if you didn’t trust that person in the first place. By trusting another person, we believe that they will not harm us. When they do, many of the assumptions and ideas we had about them are shattered. It is like a death. But perhaps most importantly, we also lose confidence in ourselves and in our ability to recognize one person who will protect us and another who will harm us. This loss of self-confidence is perhaps the greatest loss we suffer.
Brene Brown talks about how we can build and lose trust. She compares it to a jar of marbles. Over time, when we discover that we can trust someone, we add marbles to the jar. If they betray us in any way, we take out some marbles. The health of the relationship depends on how many marbles are in the jar over time.
Some betrayals happen without warning. This is difficult because it leaves you shocked and devastated. But perhaps the most common form of betrayal is when one partner no longer cares enough to put in the time and energy, letting the connection slowly atrophy, leaving you feeling lonely and unpleasant.
It does not have to be this way. There are steps we can take to heal. Instead of beating yourself up and obsessing over the many details you should have “seen” before and clinging to your “story” of betrayal, give yourself permission to heal. What can you learn from this agonizing experience? What lessons can you apply now to create better and happier relationships in the future? Listen to your intuition. Question the behavior that creates feelings of pain within you. Pay attention to warning signs on the road. When you love someone, it’s easy to give them the benefit of the doubt even if their actions tell you that you’re not their priority. It is important to set limits. Only allow respectful and loving connections. For women in particular who identify as givers and nurturers, if someone regularly exhibits behavior that hurts them, it’s time to step back and re-evaluate, for the sake of both.
Recognize that within all of us is a helpless child who is devastated and needs to heal. A great way to start this process is to find those people in your life that you trust and rely on. Lean on them and accept their support and love. Once betrayed, it’s easy to distrust everyone, but this won’t help you recover. Give yourself the opportunity to pick up the pieces and start over. Start by learning to trust yourself again. Think of all the big decisions you’ve made. Reflect on the people who have kept your trust and stayed by your side. Think of those people who have supported you and have been by your side through thick and thin. Most of us are lucky enough to have one or two people who fall into this category. Don’t punish current couples for the mistakes of forming one, and you’ll maximize your ability to build strong, happy relationships.
Sometimes the worst betrayal comes from silence. People may think that it is easier to say nothing than to let you know what is really going on. In the words of Martin Luther King; ‘There comes a time when silence is betrayal.’ The feelings in those moments can be very intense as we are confused, hurt and bewildered. Our emotions are raw and we can act irrationally. Give yourself the time and space to assess the situation and be objective.
Accepting the pain inflicted on you by the people you love and trust is a huge thing. So first of all, be kind to yourself. Although it is normal to want to retaliate and seek revenge for the damage you have suffered, this does not benefit anyone. Betrayal teaches you not only about others but, more importantly, about yourself. Did you allow others to constantly cross boundaries? Did you hold them accountable when they crossed the line?
As you give away your love and trust, ask yourself, ‘Do they deserve it?’ Because sometimes they don’t. You’ll never be the same after a serious betrayal, but it’s important to realize that everyone will experience it at some point and probably should. Build your empathy muscle for others. On some level, it serves an important purpose and forms the grain you need to think about your own life, what it means, and who you want to be.