Many spouses fear or believe that there is a lot missing from their marriage after their spouse cheats on them or has an affair. One constant you hear about missing after an affair is a lack of sadness or remorse. Another is a lack of emotion or warmth. You often hear spouses describe the other as “emotionally distant.” What does this mean exactly? Here is an example.
A wife might say, “When I first found out about your affair, my husband immediately acted as if he wanted to save our marriage. He was very apologetic and clearly in a panic. He obviously wanted me to say I wasn’t going to leave him. I promised him that he wouldn’t do anything without giving it a lot of thought. And so far, I haven’t let him. But the fact that he’s so emotionally distant bothers me. He acts like a robot. There’s no spontaneous emotion. He doesn’t laugh. He doesn’t even cry. He has the fists clenched at sides as if he was trying really hard to control his emotions. This bothers me. Last week a good friend of mine had a devastating diagnosis. And I was so upset. I threw myself into my husband’s arms looking for He methodically told me that everything would be fine around me. Sometimes I want to ask him what’s wrong with him. I wonder if he doesn’t love me or doesn’t love me anymore or if he’s changed his mind about us. Why would a person Would you be emotionally distant after an affair, especially if you claimed to want your wife back?”
There are many possible reasons, and not all of them have nothing to do with a lack of love for you. In fact, some of them indicate just the opposite. Keep in mind that these are just my theories. This is just one person’s opinion. I have seen this happen with my own spouse and heard it from others.
The process of a cheater who distances himself from his emotions: I think that a person who has gone through the process of cheating can very often reject or turn away from their emotions. They do it for a couple of reasons. If they didn’t, they would feel immense guilt and shame, which is painful and could be overwhelming, considering what they are doing with their own lives. In order to carry out their deceptions and be able to sleep at night and look in the mirror, they no longer hear that voice in the back of their necks. They become at least somewhat immune to worry and guilt. They often try to feel less for their spouse because it makes it a little easier to pull off the cheating and they still seem somewhat normal. So this withdrawal from their emotions becomes a long-lasting habit that is present even after the affair is discovered.
Someone who cheats often runs away from the real problem: This is what I think is a great consideration. A person will usually have an affair when they are going through some kind of personal identity crisis. They may be reacting to unexpected stress. They may be trying to feel better about themselves. They may be looking for an escape. Now the optimal way to deal with this would be to be realistic, take a hard look at what is wrong, and then methodically correct it.
But this is not the path that people who cheat ultimately take. They run. They run as fast as they can from their problems. And having the adventure is part of the race. And the reason they can run away is because they have turned away from their feelings. They have cut off their emotions from their normal life. So by the time the affair is over, this deflection or turning down the volume of their emotions has become a habit for them. So that’s the first thing to consider.They do not feel serving: Here is another consideration. Often, the cheating spouse does not feel that they deserve anything from his spouse. She feels that he doesn’t deserve to be the one to comfort her. In addition, he is usually very afraid of rejection. He imagines that he will go to comfort you, only to be told not to touch you. He doesn’t want to come across as a creep who is already trying to make romantic or emotional proposals before time passes.
So how do you approach this? Well, unless you’re willing to wait for a while before he feels more comfortable or sees the need to show his emotions, you can try to address this with him. You probably know the words or phrases that would be more effective for him than I do, but a suggestion is something like, “I know this is a difficult time for both of us. But you told me that you want to keep our marriage, so I have to take it at to the letter. At the same time, your actions don’t match what you say. I need your support. By now, you know how much my friend means to me. Part of being married is having someone to comfort you and support you when things like this happen. If we’re going to stay married, I need you to be that person for me. I know things are different between us and we have a lot of work to do. But I want to make it clear that I want you to show me your emotions If you weren’t sure about that, let me clarify. I don’t want you to hold back. I need to see what you feel. And even though we have a lot of work to do, I still need your support.”
Sometimes this is all you need: the green light. Other men may require you to remind them when you see them slip back into old patterns. But as time goes by and he sees again and again that you expect to see his emotions, he will understand that it is safe not to hide them and you should see some improvement in this.