I have witnessed countless people over the course of the last eight (extremely long) years whose lives have been literally turned upside down due to the selfish and unnecessary act caused by the betrayal of infidelity.
I say useless, because infidelity is unnecessary. It is an avoidable and unnecessary act that anyone could do to another human being. The pain it causes is immeasurable. It is similar to the feeling one would feel upon the death of a loved one. I cannot express this with enough urgency or depth. The pain is excruciating and extremely difficult to overcome.
The lives of these women, men (and children) have been forever altered by the discovery, repercussions and aftermath of an affair. Absolutely, marriages and relationships can survive infidelity. With a lot of hard work, renewed commitment, dedication, and full transparency, a relationship can be saved. Unfortunately, there will be triggers and lingering setbacks for those betrayed for a long time.
What people who make the conscious decision to get involved in an affair (yes, this is a decision!) do not realize, anticipate or plan for, are the lives that are ultimately destroyed as a result; especially when the final decision is made for the dissolution of the marriage or relationship.
Women who have spent decades with a man only to find that he has gone astray (who eventually decides to leave the marriage) suffer greatly, especially if she has been a housewife for most of her adult life with no title to fall back on. These women undergo a tremendous and drastic change in their lifestyle, due to the loss of assets, money and support. While there may be division of assets, alimony awarded, and child support, these women still face a life close to, if not literal, poverty level; they are often forced to seek help from the social assistance system. This is not always the case, but sadly, a large number of women face this. Women often fall prey to depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. Self-esteem becomes greatly diminished, as well as self-image. These women wonder “Who will love me now?” Or begin to wonder if they are worthy of love.
Men whose wives cheat on them end up losing half their assets, are likely to have to pay alimony and child support, and also undergo a major lifestyle change. A great deal of anger and frustration arises from the unfairness of this; That’s right. Depression is also quite common. I have witnessed men literally on the brink of suicide due to feelings of bereavement after a wife leaves them.
Kids. Children, in my opinion, are the most affected by infidelity; especially when the marriage is not reconcilable and is dissolved in divorce. Children suffer from guilt that it was somehow their fault, confusion, emotional distress, a feeling that life is unpredictable and unstable. They lose basic feelings of trust at a young age. Grades are usually affected due to depression. Their family unit that they knew is gone. One day, mom or dad suddenly gets up and leaves and moves away, leaving behind a huge amount of despair. Depression, anger, outbursts, behavioral changes is a sad reality.
Extended family and mutual friends are also affected. The ripple effect is amazing, powerful and hits hard; sometimes in unexpected ways with unexpected results. Trust me, the friends you once thought you could count on to be there for you may or may not actually end up being there for you when everything is out in the open. Some “friends” may irrationally fear that infidelity or divorce is contagious and will want to leave the friendship for a while. As irrational as it sounds, and as much as one needs the support of friends, especially during a crisis of such magnitude; some simply choose to hold their own. Some who have never experienced this kind of tragedy or pain may not even know HOW to relate to you.
Extended families can and often do split up and end up taking sides. Bitterness, scrutiny, accusations and guilt appear.
Infidelity affects EVERYONE in your circle of life.
One thing that strikes me with great impact is that the betrayed tend to seek the blame within themselves. I want to be very, very clear on one important aspect of infidelity: none of this is the victim’s fault. So please don’t accept blaming yourself if he is a victim.
There is not a single justifiable excuse that a traitor can use that justifies the act of Infidelity. Oh believe me, they will use every excuse in the book to justify it; which in turn causes even deeper pain for those betrayed if they accept the excuses.
Infidelity is NOT about the betrayed (It’s not about you). Infidelity has to do with the traitor. Please remember that. YOU are not the problem, the cause or the justification for it. All responsibility rests in the hand of the traitor.
The first thing I would suggest to anyone dealing with infidelity is to seek some form of counseling right away. I cannot stress the importance of this enough. The sooner you get in, the better. If you’re experiencing depression and anxiety, which is very normal at a time like this, it’s okay to consider taking some short-term antidepressants along with anti-anxiety medications. Taking medication is not a stigma; nor is it something one should feel ashamed of. Sometimes it just becomes necessary, and that’s okay.
Make sure you take good care of yourself too. Make sure you eat a healthy diet (if you don’t have an appetite, I suggest you at least invest in some nutritional shakes like Make Sure You Stay Nourished), get good exercise (believe me, exercise is one of the best stress relievers). can do for yourself) and try to get enough sleep.
If you suspect your spouse or partner is involved in an affair and need help finding out; all the way to healing: I will do my best to communicate these things to you. I am not an advisor or an expert in any way. I’m just a woman with a small voice and a victim.