There are so many ways someone can ask to ‘keep using you’. Most of the time the words are not said, but the actions tell the story. There may be a tacit agreement to play these roles; the need to use the strength of another and the willingness to be in a position to offer that strength. It almost always involves some kind of loss; a relationship, painful betrayals, loss of income or position, physical health or even life. All of these are important life events, no matter who suffers the loss. These are the major stressors in life.
It is a fallacy to imagine that some are not affected and continue on their way. These are the people who built a wall; they will continue to carry it before them. For them, there may have been no one they could use for this trauma, no one to share the force or energy with until they could do it themselves. These are the ‘walking wounded’. Somewhere down the road, this event will resurface to be relived until handled differently. This is where our perception of ‘groundhog day’ begins. It is the beginning of the words ‘Why does this keep happening to me’ that will resonate in the lives of those who never had or took the time to heal.
How do you know if you are one of those who are in tacit agreement to offer their strength? You are the one receiving the tearful or confused phone calls that respond to the need to simply listen. Trauma must speak to heal; you assume the role of healer by allowing them to speak. The broken one can demand too much of you from time to time and you need to keep in touch for reasons that may not seem clear to you. It may seem that you have no pride in front of those you trust; not true. They may not yet have the strength to be alone; they know you do. And so they keep asking you to be a friend, calling you when the tears can no longer be contained and they need to lean on you, until they can do it alone.
You are asked to assure them that there will be a brighter day, to remind the broken that one day they will look up and see the morning sun again. It matters that they can believe in a better tomorrow without another lonely night behind them. This is a process, often a long one, but it is well worth the effort if you are willing to be there. More than ever the broken need a trusted friend.
How will you know when all her crying is over; when no more painful memories consume them? You’ll notice a smile come to their eyes, a shared plan that encompasses the future and not just tomorrow or next week. And something else; you will notice that they begin to emerge from that dark hiding place and you will become aware of the world in which you live. They may begin to ask how they can help you as they realize how much time and effort went into your healing process. You were the friend they needed to keep using until they could fend for themselves.