Teen romance and the possibility of sex… It is one of the most complicated and difficult topics that we, as parents, talk about with our children. Making sure your teen has good information and a healthy attitude about opposite-sex relationships is a challenging parenting responsibility. We know that our teens go to parties, hang out together, sometimes drink, and some have sex.
According to a 2005 report from Statistics Canada:
o About 12% of teens have had sex before the age of 15, and by age 17, 28% of teens have. By age 24, 80% of young adults have had sexual intercourse.
o Of sexually active youth ages 15-24, more than a third had more than one partner in a year and 30% did not use a condom the last time they had sex.
o Teen pregnancy has steadily decreased over the past 25 years. However, the number of teens who have contracted sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), such as chlamydia, continues to rise. This points to reduced condom use or the prevalence of oral sex that many teens mistakenly believe eliminates the transmission of sexually transmitted diseases.
So as parents, what kind of influence do we have? According to a 2005 study from the University of Regina in Saskatchewan, teachers emerged as the most important source of information on pregnancy and STD prevention. The study also found that peer influence was more important than parental disapproval in predicting whether a student would have sex. The findings suggest that teachers and peers are more important in providing good information and instilling attitudes in our teens than parents. Parental disapproval has little impact. In fact, parental disapproval often has the opposite effect that one is trying to achieve.
Romance and the teenage brain
The conflict between youthful love and parental disapproval is not new. In Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, his “star-crossed lovers” showed the ravages that teenage romance can have on families. Nowadays, it is perhaps understandable and acceptable that the school is a more important source of information than parents about certain information about sex. However, most of us hope that our values are important to our children and help guide their sexual behavior choices.
When your son or daughter has fallen in love, the change in personality can seem extreme. It’s like they’ve been invaded by an alien body snatcher. The power of teen love and sex is very strong. Many parents feel responsible for their teens’ risky behavior and are overwhelmed by feelings of guilt. Parents, and especially mothers, often feel the judgment of other parents whose adolescent behavior is less extreme. This can lead to additional feelings of isolation and ineffectiveness. Some parents, and especially fathers, may become bossy out of frustration and eventually give up or “wash their hands” of the problem out of feelings of inadequacy.
To be more influential, it helps to be equipped with the knowledge of what forces are at play when a teenager falls in love. It is important to understand how the adolescent brain works. Recent scientific research on the brain sheds much more light on the amount of hormonal activity that influences the thoughts and actions of our adolescents.
Both brain structures and brain chemicals affect how a teen first dives into romance. In his book Why They Act That Way?: A Teen Brain Survival Guide for You and Your Teen, David Walsh describes it this way. Around the age of ten, the body produces androgen hormones. This is when the first crush can happen. It is at puberty when the true awakening of sexual interest and sexual drive occurs. This is when “falling in love” can happen. The hypothalamus generates surges in testosterone in both boys and girls and raises levels of dopamine, the hormone responsible for feelings of pleasure. Due to developmental differences, boys and girls have different attitudes toward sex and romance. Testosterone surges in boys lead them to view girls as sex objects. Teenage girls tend to be more attracted to boys because of the relational aspects of spending time together and talking.
Although sexual interest is always part of falling in love, falling in love is not always part of the sexual drive. The prefrontal cortex (the place of reason and judgment in the brain) is inactive and in adolescents is not yet fully developed. When we fall in love, we are not using our rational brain and impulse control. A “pleasure” high comes from the hormonal interaction of dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin. It is a powerful mix of natural neurological “chemistry”. All this high level of hormonal fireworks cannot be sustained for long by the brain. The intense feelings of “falling in love” are even shorter for teens than for adults. The infatuation lasts only about three months on average. After this, they will move on to another relationship out of drunkenness and excitement, or stay while the relationship transitions to a calmer, more comfortable steady state, which has been called “being in love.”
During the phase of “being in love” a cooling occurs and the prefrontal cortex is activated. The teen is in a better position to assess the adequacy of the relationship. The teen may wonder, “Why am I in this relationship?” Now a different set of hormones is released. For girls, it is oxytocin, sometimes referred to as the “cuddle” hormone, which is also involved in childbirth, that promotes attachment. In children, the hormone vasopressin makes them more protective, faithful and attentive to the needs of their partner.
romantic traps
Parents often worry that their child will fall in love with a “bad apple.” Concern about the trial of a teenager is justified. The prefrontal cortex does not finish forming in the brain until the age of 21. In this love stupor, the bad influence of the boyfriend or girlfriend leads the “good” son to do things that are quite out of character. For example, they may engage in some risky behavior out of loyalty and love, such as destroying property by “accelerating” it.
Sometimes the darker side of love of jealousy and possessiveness takes over. It’s confusing for many teens. After the glorious feelings of “falling in love” and then the hormones of attachment can cloud judgment. May become controlling or physically or sexually abusive. When the question “why am I in this relationship?” comes to mind, her memories of the “in love” times and the current cuddling hormone and lack of experience make it harder to see the wisdom of dating. .
Tips for talking to teens about sex
Countries with low rates of teen pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases deal with sex more openly. If trusted adults, teachers, and parents don’t talk openly, teens will get their information from peers or the media. It is important to distinguish sex from sexuality. Sex has to do with biology, while sexuality has to do with biology, psychology, values and spirituality. It is important that you see your role as a complement to the logic, wisdom, and judgment that the adolescent’s underdeveloped prefrontal cortex requires. Active listening, validating feelings, and showing respect will help open up discussions and reduce power struggles.
David Walsh in his book Why Do They Act That Way? suggests the following tips and what to do and what not to do.
1. Get motivated. If you don’t talk to them, someone else will.
2. Get informed. Being informed overcomes nervousness and builds confidence
3. Get comfortable. It’s okay to admit some discomfort. It will help everyone relax.
4. Make it an ongoing conversation.
5. Don’t try to cover too much in a discussion.
6. Choose appropriate times when there is an opportunity for quiet, private, uninterrupted conversation.
7. Discuss sexuality, not just sex. They need to know what the place of sex is in a healthy relationship.
8. Talk about dating as a time to have fun and get to know each other.
9. Do not preach or read.
10. Let it be a dialogue
11. Share your values
Do
o Emphasize the importance of respect and honesty in all relationships.
o Have regular conversations with your sons and daughters about sex and sexuality.
o Communicate the values you consider important in love relationships
o Provide accurate information about birth control and STDs.
o Get to know your teen’s friends to find out who influences them
o Really listen to your teen: their fears and concerns and validate their feelings by showing acceptance and love.
o Talk to other parents, join a parent group, see a counselor for ideas and support
Whose
o Don’t get angry or put down a boyfriend or girlfriend you care about
o Don’t be ridiculous or make fun of crushes or romantic attachments.
o Do not assume that your son or daughter will not engage in sexual behavior
o Don’t be quiet and let the “instant sex” that happens on TV and in the movies become the only example for your children.
have about sex and sexuality