At the end of one of the warmest winters on record, I’m amazed it was only two years ago when, after five straight days of snow, it was hard to keep from hitting the next person who asked, “Isn’t it pretty?” upside down my head with my shovel. Yet here we are, in the first winter I’m not daydreaming about a pina colada, palm trees, and a cabin boy named Antonio. But when I read about the Ayles Ice Shelf, all 41 miles of it, breaking off an island south of the North Pole, I can’t help but hope that penguins will learn to fly very soon.
Now I know that penguins live at the South Pole and Santa Claus lives at the North Pole. This is a good thing, since it’s okay to force reindeer to pull a fat man on a sleigh, but hitching penguins to Santa’s sleigh seems so wrong. However, whether Heat Miser throws a tantrum or Al Gore wasn’t kidding and actually invented global warming, it’s something for penguins and all of us to worry about. And in case you haven’t given it much thought, I spent the morning checking out all the potentially responsible parties.
Those fucking Hollywood liberals. Yes, there are those who believe that Happy Feet it is a left wing plot to brainwash children into believing that global warming is really a problem. I will grant them that Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip is a front to push every bleeding-hearted liberal platform out there through a series centered on Saturday night live, that pinnacle of network programming responsible for such cultural icons as the Church Lady, the Coneheads, and Mister Robinson’s Neighborhood. Two thoughts on that: snl he gave us “land sharks”; and I always knew that Matthew Perry was the best actor on Friends.
Verdict: While they may be crazy enough to elect the Terminator as governor, I’m not sure their madness extends to using global warming to put out wildfires.
James Cameron. In 1997, he gave us Titanic. This means it’s time for a special 10th anniversary collector’s edition DVD release. What would drive sales more than an iceberg bringing down a cruise ship? Additionally, according to Wikipedia, Cameron is a member of the Mars Society, “an international non-profit space advocacy organization dedicated to encouraging the exploration and settlement of Mars.” Maybe he knows something we don’t?
Verdict: Keep an eye on this one. Especially since he once proclaimed himself “King of the World”.
George Strait. Global warming could spark a relaunch and give a whole new meaning to the song “Oceanfront Property in Arizona.”
Verdict: Since all his “Ex’s Live in Texas”, he’s more likely to do something to take down the Lone Star state first.
Al Gore. Al manages to get involved in some of the biggest controversies of our time: the Internet, if he was the focus of Love storyand global warming.
Verdict:Al has a bad reputation with the Internet; but it is more likely that his alter ego is Oliver Barrett IV rather than Heat Miser. Although, the things some people would do just to win an Oscar.
Dick Cheney. It’s not suspicious. While he could shoot his best friend in the face; Clearly, global warming is not good for oil and gas companies.
The Scientific Community. Isn’t it always poor, ignored scientists who make up global disasters just to jump in at the last minute and rescue the world? If you haven’t noticed, a subtle campaign has been run to make scientists cool. First you had your revenge on the nerds led by Bill Gates, Steve Jobs and all the other tech guys in the geek squad. Now you have programs like dexter’s laboratory and Jimmy Neutron to convince children to grow up and be scientists.
Verdict:Maybe if we all unilaterally decide that scientists are really cool, they’ll come together and help stop global warming. Until then, I’m not investing in oil and gas, and I’m heading to Venice this year before it disappears. I have also put an inconvenient truth back to my Netflix list so I can make other travel plans accordingly, including visiting some properties in Scottsdale and Phoenix.