Many women who are victims of marital infidelity find that one of the hardest things to deal with is the mental images that keep popping up of their spouse and lover. It can often look like a horror movie. In this article, we’ll take a look at the steps to help you get through an affair and the mental images that may be haunting you.
Many women who suffer from this have not even seen or have any idea what the other woman is like, but the mental images of the affair still prevail. Pictures of what she and her husband were doing together, usually without knowledge or details of what actually happened. It’s common that despite their best efforts, they just seem unable to turn them off. Based on the fact that you are reading this, maybe you can identify yourself.
If this is indeed happening to you and you just feel like you may have “lost your mind,” take comfort in the fact that you are not going crazy. As human beings, we often run “slide shows” or movies in our minds. We do this for all kinds of reasons; remembering past events, anticipating what may happen in the future, and making sense of the reality we are dealing with in the present moment. However, just because this is normal doesn’t necessarily make it healthy.
The problem with mental images after the discovery of an affair is that you respond to them emotionally as if they were real. Every time these images flash through your mind, it is as if you are reliving the pain and trauma you experienced when you first learned about the matter.
This makes it harder to heal from the pain and rebuild your marriage.
So let’s turn our attention to what you need to do to get rid of them. First, there are a few things you need to come to terms with:
ยท The images are not real. Even if you were unlucky enough to catch them in the act, the mental images you are experiencing now are still in your head. They are not real.
Your mind is your territory and no one can control what goes into it. Only you can do that and you are in fact in charge of it.
Of course, these points may seem like obvious statements, but to address the mental images you are experiencing from the adventure, it is important to acknowledge these facts first.
Before I show you the steps to stop these images, I have to ask you a question that may seem absurd … are you sure you want them to stop?
This question may seem strange to you, but in many cases a woman who has been cheated on will cling to these images as justification for feeling the pain she feels for the affair. That by holding onto them and going over them repeatedly, they have a right to feel how they feel. You have to wonder if you fall into that category. If you think you can, you need to figure this out before proceeding further.
Once you feel like you’re ready to get over an affair and stop the mental imagery, here’s what to do next (you’ll want to find a quiet place to do this):
1. Calm your mind
Close your eyes and take a few slow, deep breaths. Allow your mind to relax and unwind. Feel the tension leave your body with each exhale. Feel your body begin to relax completely. Later, I’ll share with you a resource that includes some breathing techniques to help you through this step.
2. Remember the picture
When you’re ready, bring to mind a mental image of the adventure you’ve been struggling with. Imagine it in as much detail as possible. Take some time to fully see the vision. It can be painful to do this, but facing this pain is the first step in breaking free from it and finally getting rid of it for good.
3. Change or alter the image
Once you have the image in your mind in great detail, try manipulating it. Imagine it as if it were on a DVD and see if you can play the image upside down. Ask yourself if doing this simple mental exercise helped you feel better. If so, do it several more times. Even imagine it rewinding faster until it gets a little blurry.
Pause your exercise and open your eyes. Evaluate the effects this rewinding exercise had on you emotionally.
Next, try to manipulate the size and shape of the objects in your mental pictures of the matter. In your image, you may see a lamp on a nightstand or a dresser. Pick an item and mentally expand or reduce it. Change its shape. You can even change its color if you wish. See what change it makes to the object that makes it feel better.
Repeat this process with any sound that may be present in your image. If there is music, turn it off. If you listen to people talking, maybe you can turn their voices into cartoon characters. You can even decide to view your images from a different camera angle or perspective.
When you first read this, it might sound a bit silly to you. But what this exercise does is accomplish two things that are very important to you.
First, it gives you tangible evidence that these images are happening in your brain and are not real. That you actually control them.
Second, exercise lessens the emotional impact of the images. By changing the image, you develop new ways of thinking that are potentially less painful than what you have been experiencing and may even provide you with a new resource for handling the situation.