1) Fear of “not moving”
Withdrawal symptoms from topical steroids were very debilitating. I remembered days and weeks of not wanting to move, because the simple act of moving is associated with pain and soreness. So I was afraid to move.
My neck was worse. It was constantly raw, flaky, oozing. Every time he turned his head, he hurt me. Every time he responded to someone, it hurt. I had to move like a zombie from one point to another to minimize the pain.
The back of my knees and calves were another problem. The simple act of stretching my leg broke my skin. Every bedtime was a problem. I had to position my legs in an awkward and unnatural position so that my raw skin would not come into contact with the sheets. I expected a sleep without movement, which was almost impossible. Every turn in bed meant new contact with my raw, weeping skin, which equaled more pain and anguish.
When I got solid control of my skin condition (thanks to MW) and regained some sort of mobility, I really wanted to get moving to forget about my weakened state.
I started playing soccer near the end of month 3 of my retirement. There were still open wounds, mostly dry, and many patches of “blotchy” ragged-looking skin. I wanted to sweat it out, reboot my cardiovascular system, and hopefully sweat my way out of TSW.
I started jogging, then running, and then doing bodyweight exercises whenever I could. It has continued from month 3 (January) to today. I would take walks often and enjoy them. I would shop for hours with my partner and not complain when my feet hurt. I would choose to exercise unless I had muscle fatigue from DOMS. I may be overcompensating for the weakening I experienced, but I don’t care one bit. I developed a fear of “not moving”. Simply because of TSW, I understand that good health is something you have to work hard for, and being able to move is a sign of good health.
I never want to go back to where I was before: bedridden, slow, zombie-like. And I will work hard to maintain the status that I currently have.
2) Fear of missing out
I missed out on so many things during my TSW because I couldn’t do them: activities I loved to do, food I loved to eat, events I’d like to go to, etc.
Now, I just want to do things, while I can.
Going through TSW gave me the perspective that one should not take for granted the ability to do basic things (move, function, converse, speak, listen, see).
Life is short, so experience as much as you can, while you can.
One day you will be sick and bedridden. Tick tock, tick tock, your time is running out. Make meaningful use of your time from now on.
3) Fear of unknown iatrogens
Now, I constantly think about iatrogenesis: every activity I do, every meal I eat, every supplement I take, even every text I write.
The reality is that everything has its advantages and disadvantages, pros and cons, risks and benefits. Running can help build stronger muscles and skeletons, but it also wears down your ligaments. Using moisturizers may make you feel comfortable, but it can change the structural integrity of your skin. Eating stuff gives you energy, at the expense of tissue oxidation that damages our cells.
I was less worried about all of this before TSW, but after TSW, I’m more in tune and smarter about understanding the risks.
The key is to minimize risk and maximize rewards. It’s always easy when the risks are well documented. The disorder occurs when there are unknown risks or iatrogenesis. Negative trials are known to be rarely published in research/clinical trials. Therefore, a potential source of information is simply not available to the public. As consumers, we are faced with advertisements for products that have a biased representation of their benefits, with little or no attention to their risks. More often than not, consumers take supplements based on the face value of the product, without considering “what could go wrong.”
And it is these unknown risks that worry me, sometimes too much. But thanks to TSW, it’s a lesson learned. I will not make the same mistake twice.
I see these fears as a good thing to have, something that keeps me on my toes so I don’t fall back where I was before. Fear can be a very strong motivating factor when put to good use.
Have you developed any new fears throughout your TSW?