Is it common in relationships for one or both parties to seek companionship outside of the relationship? It always baffles me to know or hear that someone has cheated on someone else in a relationship. It is often broadcast all over the news about celebrities getting caught with people other than their spouses. It’s even common in relationships that aren’t as publicized. When I flip through the channels, I’m always drawn to TV shows that focus on and highlight relationships that went wrong because someone wasn’t honest in the relationship. It’s strange that these kinds of shows get my attention because I’m the first person who doesn’t condemn those kinds of shows on TV. But somehow I am in awe and look at them anyway.
In a recent conversation with an acquaintance, I was told that “a man lies, cheats, steals and kills for the pleasure of a woman.” Morris was very successful in the music industry many years ago. He was a man of average height and appearance, but he had power and money. Morris was married with children. However, one of his biggest and most damaging failings that still haunts him today was cheating on his wife. In his previous statement, he confessed that he never killed for the pleasure of a woman, Phew; however, when it came to cheating, he would lie to avoid getting caught. “I couldn’t help it. Women were literally throwing themselves at me.” In his confession, Morris claimed that he repeatedly lied to other women that he was not married, when in fact he was married. But other times, women sought a relationship with him even knowing that he was married. Ok, this is where I started to think, whose fault is it? This question is threefold. Is it the one who deceives, the one who is being deceived or the one who knowingly engages in deception?
Morris obviously didn’t learn from his first marriage that cheating would abruptly end his family. Morris wanted to stay with his wife, but he also wanted extramarital affairs. He thought that the two were mutually inclusive. Morris’s wife got tired of cheating and filed for divorce. Years later, Morris remarried, however this time his wife cheated on him and he filed for divorce. Karma caught up with Morris. He eventually learned his lesson not to chase women because he had wasted a lot of time and money and could have done something constructive with his time, like write songs.
Cheating negatively affects more and more relationships. There are several TV shows dedicated to real life stories of people cheating and getting caught. I’ve always wondered how dirty laundry can be aired for all the world to see, or most of the world. As I mentioned, I am intensely drawn to these shows, especially when traveling and in hotel rooms. Plus, I’m always surprised when a high-profile celebrity gets caught cheating. In fact! Didn’t you think you would get caught especially being under constant media scrutiny? However, what is more common in couples is the devastation on their faces when they find out that the other person has been or has been unfaithful. Most relationships usually end; however, very few actually survive.
When I was much younger, in my early twenties, I was engaged to a wonderful guy, I thought. After two years of dating and living together for about six months, I found out that he was cheating on me. I was heading home for lunch one day and as I was driving to my compound, I saw him leave with another woman in the car. I honked my horn to acknowledge that I did indeed see it and continued home. I was mortified, bewildered, and practically numb. He turned around and came home to find me crying. I assumed his mistress was still in the car. She hugged me and apologized profusely. I explained that she needed some time and left to go back to work. I’m not sure what happened that day, but I found myself on a plane to New York to spend time with my favorite cousin. A week later, I came back home, he actually picked me up at the airport. In less than a week, I moved everything I owned out of our apartment and rented a house nearby. We became good friends, but the trust was gone forever.
Carol had been in a relationship with Braden for several years. She thought that she was in love and that Braden was her soul mate. Braden had been married for over twenty years and had been dating Carol for three of those years. Carol refrained from dating other men and spent her days looking forward to the time she had spent with Braden. After three years of waiting and hoping that Braden would get a divorce, Carol finally realized that she was holding on to a relationship that was going nowhere. She stopped seeing Braden, which was one of the hardest decisions she’d ever made in her life. After many months of tears, pain, and indecision, she refrained from contacting Braden and receiving calls, texts, and emails from him. Carol held out and eventually met a single man. She has found a new love and is blissfully happy.
Dana had been happily married for several years and they had a beautiful daughter. Her husband was unable to find work in his line of profession where they lived and was offered a job in another state. Dana’s husband moved to another state to pursue his career and take care of his family. Dana stayed behind, continuing to work and taking care of her daughter. Dana began dating a very successful businessman and had an extramarital affair. She was reaping the rewards of having a successful businessman who treated her with all the pleasures money could afford, and also of having a husband who would take care of the household and visit from time to time. Dana was living a life of luxury, until her affair caught up with her. Dana lost her husband through divorce, her daughter and the luxurious life she was living.
Jennie’s husband was in the military and was knowingly cheating on her. The first time she Jennie caught him, when she got home, he was in a house with a woman. When she left the house, her Jennie tried to run him over. What made it worse? she was pregnant with her child. The second time Jennie caught him, he was backing out of her driveway and she approached the car. She pushed Jennie back and she continued to hold on to the car as he backed up. She remained married to him, but she wanted revenge on her husband. She started dating someone she worked with. He was also married. “I felt safe seeing another married man,” Jennie said. “I had every intention of divorcing my husband.” However, because he was a drinker, she got into an altercation and had her life taken. The person Jennie was cheating on with his wife found out and her life was in danger. Jennie immediately stopped seeing the person she was having an affair with, fearing for her life.
One last intriguing and surprising story that took me completely by surprise was from an acquaintance of mine. Sharon and I were working on a project and the cheating conversation came up. Sharon is in her eighth year of marriage and has a six-year-old son. When she was asked about her marriage, a different and solemn expression came over Sharon’s face. I quickly dismissed the expression from her. On another occasion, minutes later, she reappeared in her husband’s conversation. He had the same expression and this time I questioned Sharon. “Are you happily married?” I asked. Sometimes it’s better not to open Pandora’s Box. Two hours later, I learned that Sharon has been in a long-distance relationship with a suitor for the past eight months. She visits him at least twice a month. Sharon’s marriage has been a failure, filled with demeaning talk and her husband saying hurtful things that has completely separated her mentally from her husband. I asked if she had considered counseling and/or divorce and Sharon said that she had discussed her divorce with her husband; but, she said she didn’t want one. Without being physically involved with her husband for over a year, Sharon found love outside of her marriage that fulfills her emotionally and physically. Actually, during our conversation, she had called her at least three times. Sharon’s husband has no idea that she is actively involved in a relationship.
In each example above, three very different people went on an adventure in a single role. Each affected in various ways that altered their relationship and even their lives. However, the common thread was that every person involved was injured. So who is to blame for infidelity in relationships? Is it the person you cheat on, the person you cheat on, or the person you cheat on? This can seem bewildering or complex, however, sometimes in the relationship, the partner neglects or does not satisfy the other partner. There is no excuse in this case, because simply communicating about needs and wants or simply ending the relationship seems like the most adult and sensible thing to do. However, because feelings and emotions are involved, one tends to be mischievous and seeks a relationship outside of the relationship. Some tend to believe that they do not want to hurt the other partner and participate in the deception, with the intention of not getting caught. The person who pursues the infidelity is ultimately the culprit because; he or she participates knowingly.
Other times, being unfaithful is just a way of life. The level of maturity when it comes to relationships has not reached the person involved in such relationships. I have often wondered why get married or falsely mislead someone that you are in a relationship. I have heard of men explaining to women that they are not ready to be exclusive. For someone who is not ready for a relationship or a commitment, this is the best and most honest conversation to have with someone who might be interested. Both parties are aware of where they are in the relationship.
There are a multitude of reasons why people cheat. Unhappiness in the relationship is the leader of why someone will be unfaithful. It’s easy to say that cheating is wrong, however we can all agree that the outcome of cheating negatively affects relationships.