Men view the early years of adulthood as the years to have fun and experiment with the opposite sex. They would like to really get to know a variety of women before taking the big step of settling down with just one. They have reached an age where they are no longer in the clutches of their mother. They want to experience a sense of freedom and the opportunity to make their own decisions. Settling down with a woman who might have expectations of her counteracts this feeling of freedom. It is this loss of perceived freedom that they often resist.
Many young men will agree that unavailable women can sometimes seem very attractive to them. Some men admit to being attracted to pregnant and married women. Perhaps the young women who seem to be able to get who they want have learned this and seem unavailable to get what they want. A man could be living alone for the first time. He may be enjoying the discovery that he is capable of taking care of himself. Right now, he may just want to be able to watch a game on TV and spontaneously call his girlfriend to do something together. This position allows him some control over how he might spend his weekend and the freedom to change his mind. A girlfriend might see this situation as; “My boyfriend doesn’t commit!” while the boyfriend might be looking at his actions like “I don’t want a lifestyle where he feels like he’s living with my mom!” A clingy girlfriend poses the same threat. He may not remind her of Mom, but being attached to her and her questions about what she’s doing and where she’s going can definitely take away the feeling that she’s in control of her free time. Some guys might like the girl a lot and want her close to her but away from her, while others may leave her completely without wanting it to interfere with her style at all!
Most of the men interviewed had a lot to say about how difficult it is for them to approach women today. Many believe that things used to be much simpler when our roles were clearly defined. Today’s fashion is often considered too provocative and even aggressive. One man said that he felt that some women walk around showing a lot of skin while having a facial expression that says “Fuck you!” They discussed how the messages women give can be confusing. They discussed how provocative clothing used to mean “I’m easy,” but that doesn’t seem to be the case anymore. Surprisingly, all of the men interviewed said they are more likely to approach a woman who isn’t dressed provocatively even though the half-naked ones are, in their words, “nice to look at.”
So what are the things women can do to find a committed boyfriend? They give us the following advice about themselves:
THE DON’TS:
* Don’t ask too many questions early on about where this relationship is headed. Right now we want you to go nowhere. We just want to meet you.
*Don’t dress like you’re a whore. We could spend the night with you, but we’re not likely to see you as a “guardian.”
*Don’t ask us if we think it’s time to live together. If we haven’t even thought about it yet, we’ll go crazy. If you keep asking, it won’t feel like it’s our own decision when we’ve finally been ready. Your request delays our preparation.
*Don’t tell us what you think we should be doing. We already have a mother.
* Don’t be so available all the time. It takes the fun out of the chase.
*Do not call so soon or so much. Let us miss you so you can also enjoy receiving a phone call from time to time. If you want to listen to our voice messages over and over again, you don’t need to tell us. We feel safer with you when we know that you like us AND that you have your feet on the ground.
*Don’t tell your friends everything about “us”. We feel we also have a say in how and when people perceive us as a couple.
*Don’t ever use the word compromise in front of us unless you mean crazy people being put in nursing homes!
*Do not flirt with our friends to make us feel jealous. It won’t make us love you more. Even if we did like you, now we’ll have to leave you so our friends don’t see us as pathetic.
*Don’t be so independent that we think you’re not interested. Just like you, we also have insecurities.
* Don’t scold or complain about the relationship. We will wonder why you would want the commitment of someone who makes you feel so miserable. And we don’t particularly want to be with someone who is miserable.
*Do not give ultimatums like; “We commit to each other now or I’m leaving.” If you were to leave us for such a trivial thing, then maybe you are not serious enough about this relationship in our eyes.
WHAT TO DO
*Please allow us the time we need to get over the fear of rejection so that we can also experience the nervousness as we dial your number. Those nerves are part of the fun. If you always call first, you are taking away the exciting moments of the early stages of the relationship.
*Play hard to get, be unavailable and let us guess… We also like to skip a beat.
*Tell us that you will have to consult your calendar when we suggest an activity. We’ll be flattered when we find out that you took time out of your busy schedule just for us.
*Do things alone sometimes and with your friends. Your interests make you interesting. If you make your whole world revolve around us, you risk being perceived by us as not-so-bright because we don’t think we’re all that fascinating.
* Understand that we will not always want what you want. We think it’s perfectly normal to be able to say, “No, I don’t want to move in with you yet, would you like some pizza?” We would expect a yes or no on the pizza. If you cling to your heart and exclaim that you can’t understand how we can suggest you eat pizza in the same sentence that we’ve given you some devastating news, we probably think you’ve gone a little crazy!
*Be the fun and happy person we fell in love with for the first time. Please don’t turn into those sad, whiny, pathetic guys who get angry for wanting more from this relationship. We can’t think of any reason why we’d want to spend a lot of time with one of those guys.
The men interviewed also thought we’d like some insight into what turns them on or off at the dating stage. Here is their list of things they think we sometimes get wrong.
Men like to think about how the date went and work up the courage to call. They also like having the option to gracefully fold by not calling back. They feel that your no call should be seen as a polite way of letting her know that they are not interested in seeing her again and feel that it is a clear message. If the woman calls them, they may go out with her one more time because they didn’t have the courage to say they’re not interested. But they still won’t be interested in pursuing a relationship.
If the woman mentions a second date when the first one hasn’t finished, she’s very likely to walk away. Once again, they feel they need TIME. Not to mention they’re not calling the shots if she’s the one bringing it up. Some men said that if they really like the woman and hope she wants to meet again, it’s exciting if it subtly alludes to an event in the future. In this way, they can choose whether or not to notice. But they definitely don’t want to hear: “My friend has a party next week, do you want to go?”
Several men said it’s annoying if a woman doesn’t seem aware of the signs she might be giving. Most agreed that it’s often the women they don’t want to see again who seem out of touch. Their recommendation to us is that we look for clues so they don’t have to be cruel if the situation turns into one where we love them more than us.
Everyone wanted to give this little piece of advice: dress appropriately! They tend to think that an outfit that appears to be worn with the intent to sexually arouse men is a sexual message. They feel that if a woman dresses modestly she is giving them the message that she might want more from them than sex and these days that flatters them.
No matter how the questions were asked, the answers were always pretty consistent. It seems like men don’t really understand why some women are so concerned about commitment so early in a relationship. They also said loud and clear that they are more likely to commit to women who don’t seem to care about commitment at all. One interviewee left me with an interesting thought. He said that perhaps women’s problem with men not committing was not the result of men’s behavior, but rather women’s misperceptions of what commitment is. He said that perhaps men understand that commitment is something that grows naturally and cannot be forced or decided.
From the feedback received, they seem to think that if a woman feels that their relationship has not naturally grown at a rate acceptable to her, it is better to leave than to whine or wait. It sounds like feeling like a woman is expecting something more is enough to make her lose interest. In those cases, leaving it leaves open the possibility of meeting someone who does move at the same pace.
Having said all that, it seemed to me that one of the smartest things a woman who wants a man to commit to can do is pretend that she really isn’t ready for commitment. When the fear of “ending up with a clingy girlfriend” is removed, they can think rationally and feel comfortable in a committed relationship.