Some autistic children have an obsession with death. They persistently ask questions about death, the experience of death, fatal illness, and suicide. This situation is quite alarming for parents, as they believe that the implications of these types of questions can be frightening.
Parents, especially mothers, become powerless in the face of their obsession with death and the incessant questions of their autistic child. They try various maneuvers to get their son to stop by ignoring him, scolding him, and trying to divert his mind from him. But, these movements do not bring any change. In fact, these movements provoke the child even more and bring anxiety and stress to her mood.
Now, the questions are, why would an autistic child ask such questions? Why is he so obsessed with death? And what should parents do in this situation?
Well, there are many causes that can make your child obsessed with death. For example, nightmares, bullying, low self-esteem, floods of new information, and unpredictability. But, the most important cause is, “Change”.
terrified of change
Children who ask questions related to death, or who are obsessed with death, are mostly “terrified of change.” The thought of “Change” brings panic within their bodies. They ‘think’ and ‘ask’ questions like, who will replace Grandma if she dies?
“When an autistic child feels that there is going to be a disruption in the order and harmony of his world, he feels anxiety. He doesn’t know how to deal with the coming situation and restrict the uniformity in his world. Consequently, he asks death-related questions, over and over again, to ease his feelings of anxiety and stress.”
If your child asks you questions about death, it often means that they are afraid of change. He wants to know about the consequences that can appear after death.
What do most parents do when their autistic child asks them questions related to death?
Well, they talk about some things, over and over again. For example,
(a) Death is natural.
(b) Life is beautiful.
(c) Heaven and Hell.
However, these topics are not the precise answers for your child. These kinds of answers would be absolutely useless. Your child will start to feel even more anxious and will continue to ask the same questions until he gives her a satisfactory answer or calms her feelings.
In order to give your child satisfactory answers and understand the causes of his obsession, you must first look at your own family, your family’s conversations, and your home environment. Was there any change in her family after the death of a loved one? Were there any intense conversations about death and its consequences?
Apart from this, to know the true source of your anxiety, take a close look at your daily activities. Is there a movie that you watch over and over again? Is there a death scene in your favorite movie? Have you seen any terrible changes or consequences after someone’s death?
Once you understand the true source of your anxiety, you handle the situation with ease. You see the world through their perspective and speak their language. Your answers gradually dilute his anxious feelings and make him feel like you are the best parent in this world who fully understands him.
You become his best friend and your son begins to love you even more.
Now, what to do after discovering the real source of his obsession with death?
Well, assure him that “Nothing is going to change, everything will stay the same.” This should be the main focus of the entire conversation. Tell him that there will be no terrible changes if someone dies. The environment will remain the same, predictability will remain alive, and the world will continue to move with the same routine.
The more you keep his world predictable and the same for him through your responses, the more you will dilute his obsessive feelings about death and the more you will connect with him on an emotional level.