Sometimes we say or do things based on the emotion of the moment. This can be especially true when we feel like our marriage or spouse is changing in an unwanted way. Sometimes we take this so far that we ask or tell our spouse to leave. And we might be surprised and disappointed when they actually do. But it’s when things calm down that reality hits us, and serious regret ensues. We realize we want him back when he just did what we asked, which is leave.
Someone might remember this scenario: “My husband and I have been arguing about money for the past seven months. We’ve had problems before, but our fights have gone to a whole new level. My husband invested more money than we could afford.” I got mad when I found out. When we discussed it, I asked if there was anything else I needed to know. I told him that he could also bring bad things to light. I told him that I would rather find out everything at once than find out later. He told me that I knew everything and that there was nothing more to tell. Well, last week we received a statement in the mail. I don’t normally open financial accounts. documents. I usually leave it to my husband. But something told me that I had to. I did it like that. And I found out there were other accounts I didn’t know about and that we’re in a lot more financial trouble than I thought. So when my husband got home I left it to him, I called him a liar, he said that’s why he didn’t tell me, because I knew he would overreact. He was so angry that I told him to take his things and get out of him. He tried to reason with me, but I wouldn’t calm down, so he finally left. Now I have been without my husband for almost a week and I have calmed down. I’m still angry. Very angry. But I realize that I would rather work with him to get us out of this mess than end my marriage. But now I don’t know what to do. I’m the one who asked him to leave in the first place. I don’t want to sound stupid by saying that I suddenly changed my mind. And he could be so angry that I asked him to leave that he may refuse to come home.”
It is normal to worry about how you will be perceived in a situation like this. When my husband and I split up, I was too scared to admit what I was really feeling. I didn’t want to appear desperate and I didn’t want to be in a situation where my feelings would cause my husband to distance himself. Also, it sounds really silly now, but I hated the idea of loving or missing my husband more than he loved or missed me. This is silly because I made my pride more important than getting my marriage back on track, which should have been the real goal.
However, receiving a negative response from your husband is a real concern. And I think there is a way to approach this subject without so much risk. The next time you talk to your husband, you might try a conversation like this: “I’ve been thinking a lot about the past week. I’m so sorry. I had a right to be very angry. You don’t like to be cheated on. But I realize that I still overreacted. I wish I had never asked you to leave. I have no idea what your feelings might be on the matter, but I would be willing to try to hold it together in the future rather than disperse at the first sign of trouble. I know that we have a difficult road ahead of us, but I suspect it would be easier together than apart.”
Then listen to what your husband has to say. She may well tell that he feels the same way and that he is relieved. Now, she can tell that he is still processing things and that he needs time. And that’s fine. The real goal is to let him know that you’re aware that you overreacted and lay the foundation for positive communication moving forward. She may not move back in right away, but even if she doesn’t, it gives you time to talk things through and define and understand the issues.
Sometimes people are so anxious for their return that they rush things. They don’t talk about the problems and then pretty soon they’re fighting again and coming home isn’t so happy after all because you’re dealing with a repeat of what happened before. It’s best to take your time while communicating regularly and working toward a resolution. In this way, your return home will be much more harmonious.