For the last few days I have been walking feeling that there is a great weight on me ready to fall at any moment. Getting things done has been an arduous task. Making plans beyond the next day has cost me all my willpower. It feels like my life is on hold and I’m just waiting.
The waiting part is true and there is not much you can do about it. But the waiting part of life is all I do and there is a lot I can do about it.
You see, my wife is in Nashville with her father, who is dying. He was released from the hospital on Friday and is now receiving hospice care. (http://www.hospicenet.org/html/faq.html This is a wonderful site full of great information on end-of-life care) Melissa is there with her sister, stepmother, and others to comfort and be there. to help you in this transition to the next world.
Melissa was there for a week, she came back last Tuesday, and then on Thursday she got the news that her father had gotten worse. She dropped everything, turned around, and flew back there.
It is amazing how the two little words, “any day”, spoken by a doctor can create a sense of urgency in those close to the person from whom those words are spoken. In a very powerful way, too, those words bring a certain freedom, give permission to step away from the responsibilities of daily life and address the deep and transformative problems that arise around the end of a life.
I can feel the relief in my wife when we speak. There is lightness in her voice, a clarity that seems to come from this letting go. Her willingness to put aside the responsibilities she has here so that she can be there with her father and family has clearly been good for her. The opportunities you have had to connect with your father during this powerful time of transition has brought you closer than ever. And her ability to acknowledge and share her pain and sadness within the supportive environment of her family has had a cleansing effect on her.
As she goes through this powerful process down there, I am here, with Her, feeling disconnected, unclear on my role and more than a little helpless. How can I support Melissa while she’s in Nashville?
I understand that, from a practical point of view, staying here and taking care of Ella is the best support I can provide. It gives Melissa the opportunity to be there with her family. But that hasn’t made it easier to be that far away.
This disconnection and helplessness is also permeating the rest of my life. How do I plan beyond today? Should I make childcare arrangements for the nights I teach? How about the group Saturday Law of Attraction? Should I get coverage for that? What about my morning meetings on Fridays?
She and I are flying to Nashville for the funeral. But when will that be? Today? Tomorrow? In three weeks? Every time Melissa calls, I think, “This is it.” And every time I call her and she doesn’t answer, that same thought goes through my head. I can assure you that this kind of thinking does not lead to a focused and productive work life!
In moments of clarity, I recognize this moment as a powerful challenge and an opportunity to be more fully present in my life. And clearly the questions come. Good questions that can lead me to a more complete presence. These are just some of the questions that are emerging.
Can I move on with my life knowing that, at any moment, I will be called?
Can I let go of the image I have of “support” and trust that my ability to be here with Her is the most powerful support I can offer?
Can I recognize and take care of my own needs during this time?
Can I find the words to speak clearly to Ella about what is happening?
When I step away from everything that is happening and get a little perspective, I really see the blessing of this moment. It is very easy to put life on hold, wait for some momentous event, or not so momentous, to move on. I’ve seen it in myself and in my clients – we hope to hear about a job we’ve applied for. We look forward to hearing if an item has been accepted. We hope to know if someone we like wants to go on a date with us. We expect a check in the mail. We expect a phone call. We wait …
How often do we put our lives on hold waiting for some external circumstance to resolve itself?
Most of the time this waiting, this holding, is so subtle that we don’t even realize it. In this case it has been anything but subtle. This well-defined sense of paralysis has given me the opportunity to explore that venue. Now I am aware of it, aware, so I can choose how to proceed. I can claim full responsibility for my actions or lack of actions.
That’s both the beauty and the curse of self-awareness: As your consciousness expands, so does the level of responsibility you must take on for your life. I choose to take full responsibility for this moment in my life. Will I step forward, as Thoreau says, confidently in the direction of my dreams, knowing that my progress may be interrupted at any moment? Or will I keep spinning my thumbs, waiting for all the highway lights in front of me to turn green?
The choice is mine. And in every moment I will continue to make the best possible decision. Because that’s all I can do.