Honestly, I don’t know enough about sex to comment on this topic. My last sexual partner is my current partner, and she has made it clear to her that intimacy is an aphrodisiac. So much the better for you, as I’ve been forced to consult the sexiest person I know on your behalf. I spoke to my German friend Sia Moore-Auphen. She has been around the world so many times that she has a collection of passports: every page has at least three stamps and all the ink is bright red.
I asked Sia the secret to having more sex. “Should people put out a smart personal ad?” I asked, “Do you need to sign up for one of those online adult dating services? Or should I advise my readers to join the Young Republics and learn the art of conversing?”
“No, no, NO! Rodney,” Sia said. “You make everything so complicated! There are only three secrets to having more sex: one, you have to date your own kind; two, you have to invite people into your bed; and three, if they ask you, you have to say yes.” .”
I told him that I didn’t think my readers would have a problem with the saying yes part, and that I thought most of them made it a rule to only date other human beings. “Just because someone is human doesn’t mean I’ll sleep with them,” Sia said. “If you’re a troll, you need to date trolls. Housewives should NOT date housewreckers. Elves should date elves, not fairies. Polyamorous should ONLY date other polys and so on.” I agreed that parrot lovers would have a lot to talk about and agreed to pass on their advice. “Great,” she said, “your chances of luck and lasting sexual happiness are greatly increased when you date your own sexual kind.”
But what about taking them to bed? “Ask,” she said. “Very good,” she added. Can’t that be all there is? “It helps if you’ve talked honestly and openly about what you like and have listened carefully when your potential partner said what they liked.” I tilted my head doubtfully. “Of course,” Sia said, “it also helps if you kiss well, tip well, and aren’t afraid to dance, but honesty and desire are paramount.” So, to review: date your own sexual species, ask nicely, and say yes. “Right,” she said. “Oh, and wear a condom and make sure they’ve had their injections, and if you ever get a chance to…” he went into a long, detailed, explicit, steamy, oh-my explanation of… well, anyway, it was beyond the scope of this article.
When I asked Sia about the quality issue, she said, “Quality is about being in the moment when you’re together and being with the person you love when you’re apart.” That? “Of course,” she explained, “you need to be there in the moments to know if what you’re doing is working, to know how you feel about it, and to feel how THEY feel about it. Otherwise, you’re just calling in.” Since Sia was Germany’s number one phone sex operator for three consecutive years, I took her at her word. “And when you’re apart,” she said, giving me a smoldering look, “you need to think about what the other person might like. Try to get under their skin. Consider what they’ve said and what they’ve said carefully.” I avoided telling you. “Then she,” he said, “then you will come to bed with an appetite for your lover, a hunger that both of you will want to satisfy!”
I thanked my friend and since the air conditioning unit had completely stopped working in the small restaurant where we met, I gathered my notes to leave. “Just tell them to relax! Confidence is attractive to men and women. Look,” she said, looking at the notes she held carefully in my lap, “my sense of confidence is working on you.”