I often hear from wives who are quite confused by the contradiction that occurs within their own homes. Usually, their husbands assure them that they still love them, and yet the husband has dropped the bombshell that he doesn’t want to be married anymore. Wives often wonder how the hell this even makes sense. Most wives can’t imagine wanting to end the marriage with someone you supposedly still love. And, if the love is there, why can’t the two of you work together to change your feelings about ending it?
Obviously, this is a question that your husband will have to answer to his satisfaction. But, in my experience, there is a right way and a wrong way to handle this terrible news. Many of us allow shock and grief to contribute to our responding with knee-jerk reactions that only make things worse and only reinforce negative perceptions that are likely to go a long way in making the husband want to leave.
Therefore, in the following article, I will try to provide some ideas about what your husband might be thinking and experiencing and how you can use this knowledge to address the things that need to be overcome in a more positive and successful way. .
Not letting the unknown stop you from addressing those things that need to be addressed: It is very common in this situation to focus on trying to change what is an equation that does not make sense. Many wives will make it their primary goal to “get to the bottom” of why they are doing this. Or they will try to argue that there is no point in continuing to love your wife but wanting to leave her. It is very tempting to ask if he is lying about loving you or if he is lying about the situation. Is there anyone else? Is there something else going on or another consideration that you’re not sharing?
You may never get truthful information in response to these questions, especially at first. I may not be able to give you the answers. (Lots of men tell me very vague reasons (like their general unhappiness) as why they want to date, rather than a specific cause.) Or, you may be hiding something. You may not be able to change this as you are depending on him to give you insight into what is really on his mind and heart. Often you cannot change or control this no matter how much you want to.
Therefore, it is best that you take control where you can, within yourself and within your part of the marriage. Don’t let a constant search for answers that will never come slow you down or prevent you from doing what needs to be done. And what needs to be done is to work immediately to change the perceptions, the environment, and the nuances that contribute to her husband’s unhappiness (and probably yours).
Focusing on the insights and little nuances that are contributing to your husband not wanting to get married anymore: Husbands sometimes tell me things they don’t tell their wives. Not always, but sometimes. Still, as I said, many husbands who find themselves in this position will give me very vague reasoning for why they are where they are. I often hear things like “I feel like being married just doesn’t work for me anymore.” However, “we’re just two different people who aren’t really compatible anymore and neither of us are as happy as they should be.”
Very rarely will they tell you (because even they may not have perceived these things on a conscious level) the underlying causes, which are almost always things like loss of intimacy, loss of sustained marital efforts that strengthen and bond you. , and an environment that is no longer filled with happiness and fun. Men will often mistake these changes as a sign that the chemistry that used to bring them together is gone. Yes, they still love you. That hasn’t changed and it’s quite likely that they are not lying about this. They really do.
But unfortunately, they also believe that things have gone too far to really change. They also believe that the marriage is no longer fulfilling and promising enough to fight and that, on a personal level, it is better to cut your losses than to spend time and effort trying to recoup perceived losses. These are the things you should be turning to and paying attention to, not how they might love you but still want to leave you. It is much better to take quick and decisive action instead of arguing and questioning.
Take the action that will give you the best chance of changing your husband’s desire to end the marriage: Like I said, you really only have direct and complete control over your own actions. You can’t really force him to feel or do something he’s completely opposed to. But, you can change the circumstances and actions that are framing your opposition. Don’t get stuck in the course of the marriage and don’t repeatedly question or argue with him about it. Doing these things only reinforces negative perceptions that you need to overcome.
Instead, brainstorm and think about what things, character traits, and actions have drawn your husband to you and strengthened your relationship in the past. Now is the time to bring those things forward. Now is the time to turn to those things that have given you a positive response in the past. This is not the time to focus on semantics or how one or both are wrong and need to be fixed. Instead, it’s time to behave in a way that provides you with positive responses and perceptions of your husband. The reason for this is that he needs to see that the environment and the marriage can change because you are taking decisive action instead of repeatedly questioning and arguing.