I often hear from wives whose husbands tell them that there is no longer any hope for marriage. I recently heard from a woman who had been doing everything she could to save her marriage. They had gone to counseling. They had made trips. They had “worked” on the marriage. And, while the wife felt that she had seen some improvements, the husband did not feel the same. Basically, he had told the wife that he felt there was “no hope” for the marriage. He told her that he was going to seek a divorce soon and felt that they should go their separate ways.
The wife had a hard time accepting that there was no hope for them. She firmly believed that if her husband were open-minded and gave marriage a chance, there would certainly be hope. But, she couldn’t seem to convince him of this and she wasn’t sure what to do. I will discuss more about this matter in the next article.
Your husband cannot take away your hope without your permission: Obviously, the two spouses had a different vision of marriage and the future. This happens sometimes. But, one person’s perceptions don’t always have to be the same as another’s. And sometimes people’s perceptions are wrong and can change over time, especially if you’re successful in showing them something that changes their minds.
That is not to say that the husband was not firm in his beliefs. But the two obviously had a different perception. And, the wife did not need to give up hers just because his was different. I have seen many marriages on the obvious brink of disaster turn around, even when both people had seemingly given up hope. So being hopeless doesn’t always mean you have to give up yours. This is really your choice because your perceptions are shaped by your own feelings and decisions, not his.
Don’t worry so much about defining or quantifying the relationship all the time. Just focus on making improvements and see where that leads: People often use their partner’s descriptions as a kind of indicator of how things will turn out. Many people will hear the words “hopeless” and immediately shut down or consider giving up. And sometimes this makes sense if you keep trying the same things that don’t work and then cause you pain. There is nothing wrong with making the best decision for you or changing course.
But sometimes you can get so caught up in definitions that you let it make you lose sight of what you want or prevent you from making improvements. I often tell myself not to get so caught up in what people say every day or in “controlling” how you feel moment by moment. Things can and do change. There is no point in hanging on to every word before something has definitely happened.
Sometimes it’s much better if you just focus on small goals that allow you to feel a little personal hope. In other words, if you’re just trying to improve the give-and-take between you or to see even some small improvements in the way you interact and feel, this often feels much more doable than trying to make him change his mind or save. Your marriage. evening.
You really can’t know what tomorrow will bring. But even small gains can really provide the foundation for much larger gains in the days, weeks, and months to come. Sometimes slow and steady really does win the race. When it’s not completely obvious what you’re trying to do, you’re often met with a lot less resistance, which can really make a difference.
It is not always hope that saves marriages. It is gradual action that leads to new insights: As counterintuitive as it may seem right now, you don’t always have to believe 100% that everything is going to work out perfectly. Sometimes you can take small steps and feel your way as you go, moving toward places where you see improvement and away from places where you encounter obstacles.
And, it’s not uncommon for husbands to start changing when they’re shown (rather than told) that things can change without an unbearable amount of work or sacrifice on their part. The key really is to start making small improvements that are sustainable but substantial enough to change the bottom line. You probably know your marriage well enough to know where these efforts and changes are most needed.
So while he’d probably feel a lot better about you if you knew he’s as hopeful as he was, his perceptions don’t have to become yours. This husband had not yet filed for divorce. There may still be time. Therefore, if she knows in her heart that there are still some actions she must take, there is nothing to say that she cannot control her own actions and try new things. This may work and it may not, but at least you’ll know you did your best and didn’t fall for someone else’s perceptions that weren’t your own.