I often hear from wives dealing with a husband who asks them to compromise to work things out or save their marriage. Often, as much as the wife likes this idea, there are still many questions about whether this is the right choice. Wives are often not sure if it will be possible to work things out or even if it is in their best interests.
I heard from a wife who said, “My husband and I have been arguing for months. Things were very cold in our house, so I decided to stay with my mother for a while. Sometimes I think my husband is too immature to get married.” . . He doesn’t seem to care about our future or be responsible. He just wants to have fun with his irresponsible friends. And when he complains to me, he acts like I’m nothing but a nuisance. This cycle has gotten old and I am beginning to think that I would be better off in the long run without it. However, I love him. He makes me laugh and makes life so much more fun. But I feel like if I stay married to him, I’ll be an old woman with no savings and no security. Especially if he doesn’t want to change. Then out of nowhere last night he showed up at my mom’s house with flowers. She asked me to go for a walk and while we were walking she asked me to come home so we could work things out. She said that she would do everything possible to get a better job and become more responsible if I wi I will stop bothering so much. I want to believe all this. But I’m so torn. I’m worried that he’s just trying to get me away from my mom’s safety and then she’ll go back to her old ways. My feelings are everywhere. I change my mind every few seconds. How do I know if working things out with my husband is the right decision?”
This is not a decision that can be made by anyone because it is a very serious decision that should be made only by the people involved. However, I can offer some things to think about or some questions to ask. I can also suggest some compromises that might make both people more comfortable. I will discuss these things below.
Ask him if he would be willing to make the changes before going home or if he would commit to working things out: It always amazes me how people feel they have to make an immediate decision in this situation. They allow themselves to be pressured into action before they feel comfortable doing so. The thing is, this woman had a mother who was willing to let her stay as long as she needed. There was no need to make any rash decisions. She could tell her husband that what he was proposing sounded promising and that she couldn’t wait to see how it played out. She could then emphasize that if she saw the kinds of changes he promised over a period of time, then she would consider coming home. In this way, she would feel more secure in deciding to give him that second chance because he would already have shown that she was keeping her promises. But until then, she still had the safety to wait.
Are you willing to let him participate in the journey?: Your reconciliation will have a much better chance of success if you and your spouse regularly discuss and evaluate your progress. Ask your spouse if they would agree to meet, say, once a week to discuss what is working in your marriage and what is not. That way, he can’t tell you’re scolding, but you’ll know he’s going to be held accountable on a regular basis.
What does your heart tell you to do? I fully advocate putting in as many safeguards as possible. But, at the end of the day, you can’t predict the future. You can only go with what your heart tells you, hope for the best, and set yourself up for the best chance of success. Stop for a second and listen to what that little voice in the back of your head is telling you. Because he is often quite wise. Listen to any objections they may have and make a note of them because you will want to address them in order to have confidence in the future. If you try to reconcile without believing that it’s actually possible, your chances of success are much lower than they might otherwise have been. So take stock of what’s wrong and commit to addressing it if you plan to move forward.
Know that you can change your mind: Understand that nothing is set in stone. Just because you agree to give him a chance to show you that he can change doesn’t mean you can’t reevaluate or ask for more if something doesn’t work for you. Agreeing to hope for the best or see what happens does not mean that you have entered into a binding contract. It just means that you expect him to show you that solving it is not only possible, but also what is best for you.
So to answer the question posed, I can’t tell you if you should figure things out. But I can tell you that if you’re considering it, there are many things you can do to minimize your risk of failure and increase your chances of success. And I completely understand that you love someone so much that you’re willing to take that risk. Because very often, that risk is worth it.