Many of us recognize and appreciate the happy combination of good fortune and circumstance that each special person brings into our lives; that chance meeting, a slip on a dating site, accepting an invitation we were initially unsure about can lead us to meet someone who makes our lives super wonderful for a while.
But there may still come a time when it becomes clear that the relationship has run its course and is now over. It is time to recognize that what was once of great importance is over and we must move on.
But when is the best time to break up, and why is it often so hard to do so?
– It is not unusual that two people have very different views on the state of their relationship. They may not be in the same place emotionally or just refuse to accept that it’s over. In fact, one person may feel all is well and may not even notice his partner’s signals that they are restless and wanting to move on. Breaking up can be hard when we know the other person cares a lot and puts up with it. Few of us want to be responsible for someone else’s pain, especially when they were once such a big part of our lives.
-Investment, both emotionally and financially can influence the decision to separate. Children are often a serious consideration: how disruptive will a breakup be, how much will it affect your stability and well-being? Larger family implications may also be a factor; disappointing others, damaging the status quo. Similarly, finances may be enough for couples to stay together. Dividing up the household, working out an agreement, agreeing to custody, and facing a huge legal bill can be enough to cause some couples to break up.
– Secrets it can be a big part of our relationship. Allowing someone to know our innermost thoughts, fears and concerns, perhaps revealing mistakes and indiscretions from the past can make us vulnerable. There may be concern as to the consequences of the breakup; How safe will those secrets be? Taking that risk, as well as the prospect of starting the whole process over again with someone new, can spark serious consideration.
– ‘Maybe I won’t find anyone else/better/ who will put up with me.’ Sometimes we can put off ending our relationship because we worry that the grass isn’t always greener elsewhere. ‘The devil I better know’ can keep us in an increasingly committed relationship.
– Could be salvageable if we both try again? Relationship counseling can play a valuable role in helping to improve communications and being better able to see another’s point of view. Trying again can include calming down, taking things less personally, and avoiding saying and doing hurtful things. It encompasses learning to stop reacting because you feel upset or hurt. But relationship counseling can also help ease the breakup process, especially when children are involved. Remember, you loved each other once.
But when it’s clear that the time is right to break up;
– Take the bull by the horns and say that you need to have a talk. Often they will have an idea of what it could be. There have likely been changes in your body language and the quality of your interactions as you gradually drift away from the relationship. By saying that you need to talk, you are underscoring that you have something serious to say and giving the other person a chance to mentally prepare.
– Be discreet, respectful.. Yes, you may have discussed your doubts about the relationship with close friends or confidants, but if you are the initiator of the breakup, avoid the temptation to tell too many others first. It’s painful and embarrassing to be the last person to find out that your relationship is over.
– Keep the conversation on track. and avoid listing all your faults and shortcomings. Be firm and clear about your intention to break up, but be firm in saying that it is no longer working for you. If your paths are likely to cross in the future, it’s good to stay reasonably friendly, even if you can’t stay friends. So it’s often better to finish it rather than let it drag on indefinitely, hoping they’ll finish it first. increasingly unhappy, sour and full of recriminations.
– Accept that there is a need to grieve, sometimes before the relationship is officially over or even if you are the one to initiate the breakup. It is sad to lose a close relationship with all the dreams that accompanied it. Also grieve for the things that were said and done and that cannot be unsaid, that you regret, that can be forgiven but not forgotten.
– The claim can include several stages; denial, bargaining and bargaining, anger, depression until acceptance comes. Everything can drift in and out, in no particular pattern. Accept those phases, even if from time to time you also accept if a good friend tells you that it is time to move on and stop analyzing and introspecting.
Remember, by ending the relationship early rather than letting it drag on, it is often easier to maintain the friendship or at least maintain a balance of mutual respect.