There are millions of ways to meet people online. Some safer than others, some more specific than others, some more creative than others. What type of site is best if you’re seriously relationship-oriented, and when should you consider other methods? Oh yeah, and if you’ve been doing it for a long time, why do you keep looking?
Let’s tackle these one by one.
What sites to use?
The best sites to use are those that require everyone who posts a profile to put a lot of effort and thought into it. These are the ones with many “scientifically developed” questions. Most of the time they require a subscription, and that’s a good thing. Separate the wheat from the chaff and cut out people who are just looking for a non-relationship oriented meeting.
In the same way, sites that cost nothing to post a profile and do not require any serious information are not worth it. Even if you find a wonderful profile, you have no way of knowing that the person who posted it is the person you will meet. Yes, it “doesn’t hurt”, but it can if you’re not careful. Why waste time? I’m not even talking about the public classifieds and the list of what it’s called. Those kinds of places are all against all where you can meet the creep of your dreams. Yes, the creep of your dreams.
Social media sites have potential, but again they can be dangerous. I urge you to use those sites to find a match with the help of your friends. Don’t reply directly to a stranger, see if you have mutual friends. Get in touch with those friends and find out about this person. There’s a lot to be said for a third-party presentation, and in an open environment like social media sites, having someone who knows the person in the flesh is really important and helpful.
Which brings me to the famous Fiddler on the Roof song, “Matchmaker.” Having met my wife through three different people, I can tell you that I have a new respect for the institution. Here’s why: they see things in you that you don’t see in yourself. I would never have chased after the girl I married if it hadn’t been a cheat with her. That forced me to take a closer look than I would have done otherwise. The rest, as they say, is history in the making.
Keeping an open mind when you have dozens of profiles to choose from is not easy. Who wouldn’t go for the prettiest of the group? And who knows if the prettiest of the bunch isn’t a fanatic about micromanagement control that will drive your life crazy forever? It is very easy to overlook someone whose background, personality, and values will constitute a true partnership. And it may be just because she doesn’t photograph well. I almost did, well, okay, actually I did. The girl I married had been rejected by me on an online site a year earlier.
Let it be a lesson for all of us.
Commitment phobia
If you’ve been doing it for a long time and can’t seem to find the right person, you may be faced with a difficult truth. You may suffer from commitment phobia. This sad condition will make you find and magnify any flaws in your partner, especially when the relationship is going so well.
Ask yourself this: Have you ever pursued someone with a complete crush, only to have that attraction disappear when the relationship took off? Do you find that you run hot and cold with someone? Do you find that you reject potential matches for objectively silly reasons? I know someone who wanted to separate because his fingers were too short. Everything else about him was fine, but how could he live with a short-fingered boy?
It is a deeply ingrained reaction. I felt it the first time I proposed to my girlfriend. I am embarrassed to say this, but immediately when the words left my mouth I felt numb and sick in my stomach. I am even more ashamed to say this, but I withdrew the proposal. It took me another two months to get it to stick. I had a terrible flu the week of the wedding, before and after. However, I am very proud and happy to report that he was healthy on the day of the wedding and had no symptoms of commitment phobia.
We have been married for a few months now and there are still times when I wonder if I made a mistake. But most of the time, we are discovering new and wonderful things about each other and this relationship is growing. Commitment phobia most likely comes from early childhood, so it won’t go away as easily. The best way to deal with that is to acknowledge it, face yourself, and step out of your comfort zone. And certainly get help from someone qualified who can listen and guide you to restore balance in perspective.
Internet dating makes it easier for a person with a commitment phobia to stay safe and single. One of the symptoms of commitment phobia is chasing after people with whom there is very little chance of a successful relationship. The 43-year-old flirting with the 19-year-old is a classic example. Every time you ignore those who have the potential for a real connection and go after the most popular profile on the site, you are seeing the symptoms of a fear of commitment. Otherwise, you would look for relationships that have the potential for compromise.
Good luck finding love, both in yourself and in your partner.